Worth
by Asiil
Summary: "Whats the matter?" There was a pause as Castiel stared at Dean with an intensity the hunter would one day come to be familiar with. Blue eyes widened slowly as realization seemed to dawn on him. "You don't think you deserve to be saved..." WARNING: This story has every spoiler known to man. Begins in season 7 Rated M for a reason! Destiel
1. Carry on My Wayward Son

**Worth**

* * *

Part 1: Carry on My Wayward Son

* * *

He smiled, and the man staring at him through the mirror smiled back. A disbelieving frown, however, as he studied the expression ruined the effect, causing lips to give just slightly before he tried again. He closed his eyes for a moment and shook his shoulders and hands as if this was something to be practiced. Something to be perfected. He sniffed to compose himself and glanced up, trying once more. Hell, it couldn't be this hard. It was just a smile.

_"I'm going to find some way to redeem myself to you…. I mean it Dean."_

The words flittered unbidden through his skull like the grate of sandpaper over a fresh wound. Had it been physical, it would have bled. An unending gouge that never healed. Instead it was internal, reopening despite every memory he used to stitch it up, festering despite every case he slapped over it as a bandage.

_"I'm sorry…"  
_

He shook his head again and leaned into the sink, fingers gripping tightly to the aging ceramic as he stared intently, willing himself not to see dark, endless blue eyes reflected there. He blinked once, then again until the image faded leaving him staring once more into his own broken appearance. "Come on Dean. Pull it together man." He growled at himself, his voice low and irritated. "It's a fucking smile."

The hunter tried again. This time, however, was no more successful than the last. His lips twitched upwards and though the expression wasn't a scowl, the fact that it never reached his eyes was enough to prove that despite the soundest advice, he was hopeless at this. Honestly he shouldn't care one way or another. Hell he'd go around frowning for the rest of his life without a problem. It wasn't anyone else's business anyway whether he was happy or not.

But it was Sam he had to convince. Sam who had to see him smile, because it was Sam who wasn't going to give up on pestering him about his goddamn feelings until they both sat down and sobbed their hearts out. There was no way Dean was walking down that road. In fact, he decided he'd rather visit Crowley for teatime in Hell.

Of course there was no way he could convince Sam if he couldn't even keep the smile up long enough to get through a few words. He sighed, exasperated, and pushed himself away from the mirror, scooping up his things and tossing them into his bag before wandering towards the door.

_"Dean… they're so strong."_

The gravelly voice of his memory grated again and he froze, hand against the knob of the door. What had it been? A few months now? More? At least that, and yet Dean could see it all as if it had been yesterday. He could hear the panic in the Angel's voice when he'd demanded they run. The plead when he'd said Dean's name as if hoping beyond hope that Dean could do something. Could save him like Cas had saved Dean so many times before.  
And the worst part was… he had been entirely helpless.

Dean let his forehead thump against the door, fingers fisting and breathing slowly as he took each razor sharp memory and tucked it back deep in his psyche where the only one they could hurt was him. He sniffed again and straightened, breathing deeply before pulling the door open with a yank only to find himself face to face with the business end of Sam's gun.

"The Hell Sam?!"

The taller but younger of their little sibling act didn't lower his weapon, taking a long moment to gauge the situation, making sure that Dean had actually been in the bathroom by himself and appeared to be unharmed. "I heard a thump." Was all he could say as he finally dropped his hand, straightening with mild embarrassment, and watching his brother with that slight knit to his brow that told Dean he was worried.

So of course Dean did what any good older brother who had no interest in sharing that he'd been leaning into that door as if it was the only thing holding him up would do. He evaded. "What, a guy can't even bang his elbow anymore? Jeeze Sammy." He brushed past his brother and threw his bag on the bed, ignoring the fact that Sam had turned towards him and instead focused on aimlessly packing things back into his duffle. He only looked back when the long awkward stare went on for a few moments _too _long raising his eye brows with an irritated return glare as if to say "_WHAT?"_

Sam sighed and shrugged, glancing towards the bathroom one more time before going back to his own bed and following suit. Dean was glad he didn't comment further but still managed to feel bad for making his brother jumpy. He was well aware that Sam wasn't playing the game of life with all his strings attached. The fact that Lucifer was wandering around chopping through the ones the Sasquatch managed to tie back up wasn't helping either. But what could he have said? _'Sorry Sam I was just lamenting the loss of my angel and my total fucking inability to do anything in this goddamn world right…_

Yes because that would go over so well. He paused. His angel? Hell he really did need help.

The truth was, between Cas and Bobby and, well every other fucking person who had ever meant something to him, Dean wasn't quite sure why he kept trying to move forward. Even Sam was sliding off the deep end now. The kid was a goddamn volcano just waiting to erupt. And when he finally did... he was going to burn out the rest of Dean's world right along with him.

"So whatda'ya say we go dump these boxes and head somewhere interesting?" Dean finally asked, breaking the heavy silence that had begun to crawl through the room.

"More interesting than a Leviathan run Cancer Research Department?" Sam deadpanned; glancing up at his brother with the kind of look that said he knew full well the only places Dean thought were interesting was a bar, a woman's arms, and Dick Roman's trail. Preferably close enough to put a bullet through the Leviathan's head. Lately, the first two had fallen short of the third one.

Dean rolled his eyes and managed a smirk. If his head hadn't been spinning with so many other things he might have actually felt a little pride at his ability to manage the expression. Good things came to those who waited right? Yeah right. "Gotta keep busy Sammy."

"Yeah I know." The taller man blinked tiredly. Now that his little shot of adrenaline had worn off Dean could see the soul deep fatigue in his brother's face.

"Did you get _any _sleep last night?" He asked trying not to look as worried as he felt.

"How could I when the upstairs neighbor is a fan of late night, early morning, and midday singing...?" His response was weary and laden with a dull irritation that had begun to tarnish under Lucifer's constant barrage. His fingers sought out the scar on his left hand, pressing down sharply but Dean knew it had failed when Sam's attention was drawn to the other side of the room, his shoulders sagging just slightly in response to whatever the Devil was saying.

"Well you can sleep in the car. Nothing interesting enough about that piece of junk to keep you up anyway. Christ I miss Baby." Thoughts of his precious Impala managed to shove aside other worries well enough and long enough that Sam couldn't help but laugh at the expression of longing that must have crossed his face.

"It's not like she's going anywhere Dean."

"I know but I just feel so..." He waved his hand about looking for the right word. "Dirty... Like I'm cheating." Green eyes turned to Sam as if waiting to hear his brother's agreement but all he got in response was a mildly judging look.

"You are such a looser."

"Shut up Bitch."

"Jerk."

The timeless, entirely affectionate, squabble left them both smirking as they turned to hide their grins in their packing. It was proof enough that some things would never change, and for that much Dean was happy. But the hunter wasn't stupid, and equally aware that believing that 'some things would never change' was the number one way to ensure your life fell to pieces around you.

* * *

He should have known.

Really he should have. His little failed acting session in the mirror that morning, the piece of junk that claimed to be a car stalling out halfway to where they were going. The local diner's total lack of Pie...

Fuck but if bad things didn't happen in threes.

Well threes that lead up to fours and fives and goddamn sixes the size of the Apocalypse. Because that's what it was when the hospital phoned him in the middle of the night to let him know that Sammy had been admitted after an accident. The fucking Apocalypse all over again. Only this time... there was no Team Free Will to make sure it didn't send the world spinning down the drain.

And the icing on the cake? Well that was the moment he realized he was internally crushing down the _instinct_ to call Cas. He didn't even have the patience to question just when Cas had become a fucking instinct.

To say that the nurse behind the desk was less than pleased when he barged his way through the office was an understatement. If he hadn't been so pissed and worried he might have found all her hissing and spitting amusing. But he didn't have time for her. He needed to see his brother. Now.

"We're trying to determine if the insomnia is the cause or the result of his mental break." The doctor was saying in that clinical voice that was practiced and proven to put upset families at ease. And it might have worked if Dean hadn't been one hundred fucking percent aware that there was nothing this place could do for Sam except maybe prevent him from hurting himself. But who was he kidding… Physical pain was nothing to Sam. Nothing to _him_. It was part of their lives, part of their very beings. It was the mental agony of Hell that was going to tare him apart.

"I'd like to see him."

Their walk through the locked ward was like wandering back into the asylum he and Sam had visited once upon a time when they had hunted the Wraith. Well… visit wasn't exactly the word Dean would have used to classify that little vacation of madness.

This time though, Sam wasn't trying to get out with him. Dean couldn't decide which was worse when he stepped into the room. Seeing Sam sitting there on his bed, dressed in whites and flinching now and then, or _knowing_ that his brother wasn't going to just shake this one off and walk out with him.

"How are you feeling?" The question was hesitant but what else could he have asked? They both knew that there was no good news to be had here. No miracle pill that was going to get Sam back on his feet and out the door.

"Maybe you should cancel my UFC fight." The comment was meant to raise a smile but this time Dean couldn't even manage the bad acting. The way Sam leaned back into the whitewashed bed as if there was nothing left to hold him up was torture.

"Sam I'm gonna find you help." He promised.

"I don't think it's out there Dean." The sudden hopelessness in Sam's voice steamrolled the hunter, leaving him blinking as he sat down on the edge of the bed, staring at the little brother he would give his life to protect._ Had_ given his life to protect.

"We don't know that." He argued.

"Better than most." Sam retorted knowing that Dean was going to fight him tooth and nail no matter what. So maybe the best thing he could do was logic his brother into a corner. "The last faith healer we hooked up with had a reaper on a leash. Remember?"

"Yeah….Sam. I remember."

"I'm just sayin…"

"What? That you don't want my help?" The words were growled and he stood again, raking his fingers over his face as if to smooth away the snarl that was pulling at his lips. He wasn't going to sit here and listen to some bullshit about this fight not being worth it. About accepting your losses…

"No… I'm saying… don't do this to yourself."

The last part hung in the air for a long moment, like they were both processing the words over and over, letter by letter. Sam wanted to convince Dean to move on. He knew he was a lost cause… there was no reason Dean needed to suffer for him. He'd lived his own Hell. What kind of brother would Sam be if he asked Dean to live his...

For his part, Dean elected to ignore the comment entirely, as if the words had never been spoken.

"Sam if I don't find something…"

"…Then I'll die. Dean we knew this was coming."

"No" He grit his teeth, trying to stay calm.

"When you put my soul back…"

"No." Each interrupting, negative response to Sam's words was like a shield taking hits from a sword. It came up every time he raised his arm but each time it was left with a deeper and deeper dent until finally it splintered under the assault.

"Cas warned you about all the crap it would bring…"

"Screw Cas!" He yelled turning furious green eyes on his brother. "Quit being Dali frickin Yoda about this! **Get pissed**!" His desperation finally got the better of him, and with nothing left to reach for, nothing new to bring to the table, Dean clung to the last thing he had. His anger. His rage at the world. At Heaven. At Hell. At Lucifer for being such a needy dick that he had to sing Sam into an early grave. At God for not saving a good man from Hell. At Sam for giving up so quickly. At himself for being SO FUCKING HELPLESS.

At Cas… for tearing down the wall.

"_I'm sorry…"_

"I'm too tired…"

Dean's rage spluttered to a sudden halt, evaporating when his brother's words entered the room and hung there like a heavy cloud. He stared at the other man for a long, silent moment, a total loss at what to say stretching the time out longer and longer until the few seconds he could have made a biting comeback or well-meaning joke disappeared entirely.

Burying one hand in his pocket his shoulders tightened as he turned and threw the door open, stepping back out into the hall and away from his brother.

He was on autopilot when his feet led him back out the door, fingers moving through the necessary and familiar routine that put the car into gear and eyes remaining open and on the road ahead of him only because blinking or closing them would have required thought.

So when he reached the safe-house it wasn't until he realized he'd been sitting silently in the parked car for an over hour before he shook himself out and wandered inside.

* * *

_"Where were you when I needed to hear that?"_

_"I was there... where were you?"_

Dean shook himself awake, breathing hard as his hands went out to grasp tightly at the moth eaten back and arm of the disintegrating couch he'd fallen asleep on. His heart pounded heavily in his chest as the words ringing loudly in their soft way, finally began to fade. "Goddamn it Cas." He hissed into the silence, wiping his hand down his face. Even dead the angel wouldn't leave him alone.

Bobby's worn leather contact book slid off his chest as he pulled himself into a sitting position, his phone likewise hitting the floor with a sharp thud. He huffed and tossed the book on the equally decrepit table as he reached out to collect the phone.

No missed calls. Fucking spectacular.

Just what the hell was the point of a contact book if no one was going to call you back?

He leaned back against the couch, head lolling over the edge as he stared aimlessly up at the ceiling. The silence wafted about the room like a breeze to be enjoyed. Now though... all Dean wanted, more than anything in the world, was one of those moments when NO ONE would shut up. He ached for the sound of someone else's voice, because that would mean someone else was here... that he wasn't on this fucked up merry-go-round alone.

The anger that had bubbled to the surface in Sam's room was gone now, leaving him feeling hollow and empty. He'd tried to hang on to it after Cas' death. It was the Angel's fault after all that Sam had slid so quickly towards the deep end. He'd tried to bury thoughts of missing the man beneath thoughts of rage at what he'd done. After they lost Bobby though... he just didn't have the strength to keep hating.

He was tired too. And now he'd lost everything.

Sam was his brother. Their bond was built on blood and mutual understanding of "the life" as most hunter's liked to put it. Sam and Dean would go to Hell and back for each other. They had.

Bobby was pretty much the only parental figure they'd ever really in their screwed up little lives. He had looked after the brothers like any father should have, kicking their ass when they were being stupid and offering up gruff but surprisingly helpful words when their worlds attempted to crash down around their feet. But again, it was a bond of family.

Loosing Sam and Bobby was like losing a limb. They were practically a physical part of him.

But loosing Cas... it had been like watching as something deeper than skin was torn away. He wasn't interested in any of that namby-pamby bullshit about the angel being a part of his soul, but if he ever let himself really think about it- which he did _not_- he would have admitted that Castiel had been the truest thing he'd ever had to a best friend.

Cas was not blood. He didn't even live "the life" as it were, ignoring of course the fact that he was more a "part" of the life than anything Dean had ever met. He'd never stuck around cause he owed Dean favors or because he had hoped for something in return.

Hed been there when no one else had stayed because Cas had believed in something Dean would never... could never really grasp.

He'd _believed _in _Dean_.

_"I rebelled for THIS?!"_

The words were like a physical force against his chest as the memory slid from its enclosure, leaving behind a scarred and bloody trail. Dean ground his teeth and shoved it back where it had come from, covering it in so much shit he wouldn't think about it again for another hundred years. He hardly needed his own traitorous mind to point out how little he was worth in the grand fucking scheme of things.

But the words stayed, just there in the back of his mind, echoing slightly and all he could do was give a rueful laugh as he pulled himself forward on the couch grabbing the contact book and making for the kitchen where he planned to drown such memories in the soft foam a nice cold beer.

Tossing the book on the taller table as he passed it he cursed as the fucking thing continued on over the edge hitting the floor with a dull thud. Bending to collect it after he'd accomplished the grand task of retrieving a beer from the fridge Dean froze as his fingers picked up a card that had slipped from one of the pages. It was as unremarkable as every other name he'd seen and every other number he'd dialed, but hey, no rest for the wicked. He might have been willing to give up on himself... he already knew he was wandering back to hell eventually... but there was no way he was giving up on Sam.

So when the number called back a few hours later... a surprise really after his exceedingly dull message about it being the end of the world and such...he stared at his phone in shock for a second before snapping it open quickly.

"This is Dean" His voice was gruff with disuse despite the few dozen or so numbers he'd called.

"Mikey, callin' you back. Hey, real sorry bout Bobby."

"Yeah, me too"

"Look, what you called about… I might have something for you." Dean wasn't holding his breath. "Theres this guy. Goes by Emanuel. Kinda roams. First started hearin' about him a few months back. How he was healin' the sick, curin' the crazy."

"Mmhmm." Dean's noncomental noise seemed to be enough to urge the man on.

"Well naturally I figured somethin' in the milk aint clean. Find this sucker… punch his clock right?"

Dean waited.

"Heard the best way ta get to him was through his wife. So I go. Tell her im goin' blind. S' true. My right eyes burnt out. She says wait, he'll come. So I went. I set every trap, every test in the book…"

The green eyed man had to grin at that. It was nice to hear that at least one hunter was covering all his bases.

"Emanuel shows… he passes every one. There aint nothin' weird about this guy… except…" there seemed to be a telling silence on the other end before the hunter continued. "Hes the real deal."

"What do you mean?" Dean tried not to let the fact that he was fighting an internal war slip into his voice. On one hand, his instinct was telling him that there was no such thing as the real deal. Sammy was right… the last time they'd run across the "real deal"… the healer had been dancing with Death. On the other… Sam needed help… and he wasn't sure he could afford to look a gift horse in the mouth.

"He touched me… and ma eye was fixed." The silence on the other end seemed to prompt the man further. "Look, I don't believe in much… but I wouldn't call you on a maybe."

Dean thanked Mikey after taking down the Colorado address and sat once more. His gaze flittered across to where he'd left Sam's laptop open with more tabs on faith healing, woodo, angel mojo and spells than were probably healthy.

His mind was racing and yet at the same time it was almost as if it had short circuited. Hunters didnt believe in much beyond what died at the end of their knives and guns. Each of them had learned the hard way that the magic and supernatural seeping into their lives day by day was far more often than not, less than helpful. So to hear from one who sounded the least bit decent and who had been in Bobby's contact book no less, that this guy was the real deal, left Dean with something to really think about.

What could it hurt? So he wasted a few hours driving out there. If he was wrong than he'd just have to hit the books again and he'd be no closer to helping Sam than he had been when he picked up the phone. But if the hunter was right... and this Emanuel could really help his brother...

Well hell... he'd pay any price for that.

Decision made Dean was in the car and on the way down the road before he'd even glanced through the maps. To be honest he knew most of the country now anyway... the bigger roads at least. You didn't spend your life driving them every day only to forget what could be as important as making sure there were salt rounds in your rifle.

The lone and impromptu road trip became just another reminder to him of how alone he was. He tried to drown it out with his favorite music, telling himself that it was one of the few times he didn't have to deal with Sammy's bitching about which songs he'd chosen. But Dean knew he was kidding himself. Just like the agonizing need for sound back at the house he ached for it here. He didn't even have the fucking pleasure of driving his baby. Instead he was stuck in this piece of shit truck that claimed to be a car. It was embarrassing really.

He leaned back into his seat, imagining what Sam would say when he started growling about the car again... or the clueless look on Cas' face when he bitched, that said he was either making no sense... or the angel had decided he was a moron. The thoughts made him smile, but the expression was sad, and more broken than anything.

"The Hell man." He snarled at himself in the rear-view mirror. "What are you a fucking girl now? Pull your shit together. You have a job to do."

His reflection seemed to accept the angry words, and he turned his attention back to the road and away from the memories that burned more deeply than borax on a leviathan.

* * *

The house looked innocuous enough. Then again... the houses always looked mostly innocuous. He was reminded of the time he and Sam had gone after a pair of gods during the holiday season. That had been one unpleasant ride from hell... but you would have never known that if the perfect wreath on the door, tree in the window and manicured lawn outside had been anything to go by.

So it was with some hesitance that Dean climbed out of his car, glancing about for a long moment as if to convince himself that this was really the place. That what he was going to find here was both worth his time... and Sam's life.

He didn't practice what he was going to say; in fact he didn't really think it through at all. Sam had always said he was a jump first ask questions later kind of guy, and Dean had never had any reason to deny that. He wasn't about to start now when asking questions could mean the difference between getting what he needed… and losing his last shot.

The climb up the few steps to the front door was so normal it was almost as if he was on any other job, visiting any other house for any other reason. No one watching would have ever known that the man striding confidently up the walkway was in fact wandering in the direction of his last real hope.

He straightened his jacket slightly as the ding of the doorbell chimed in the distance. Waiting, Dean tried not to think about what was going to happen when this eventually turned out to be as false as every other lead.

"Can I help you?" The door opened to reveal a normal enough looking middle aged man.

"I'm looking for Emanuel." The hunter managed from somewhere in his closing throat his voice sounding gruff in his own ears.

"You've found him." Emanuel admitted. His brows furrowed slightly as if he hadn't expected company but he smiled anyway and stepped out onto the porch gesturing for Dean to speak when the door was fully closed.

"Oh, well. You see, I was hoping…" He trailed off. In his own uncertainty- which of course he would never admit too- and his attempt to make this little meeting feel less like hed come to grovel for help and more like it was in Emanuel's best interest to offer whatever assistance he could, his eyes had fallen against the window of the house, caught on the other end by those of a woman gagged and tied to her chair. "Sonofabitch."The curse was huffed and tired as if he couldn't believe he was really dealing with this, right now, when so much- everything really- was on the line.

Emanuel smiled and this time it wasn't the easygoing kind of grin a faith healer might have had, but rather the sly coarse smirk of a cat who thought he'd cornered himself a mouse. He blinked and dull brown eyes flickered to black.

Well this had been bound to happen right? Was it really too much to ask for one fucking person in this goddamned world to just be what they claimed to be?! Apparently.

Dean went for the gun in his pocket just at the demon reached out for his coat, turning them both around and shattering the glass of the door as the Hunter's head hit the window. "Didn't you get the memo?" Dean bragged, trying not to wince at the twinge in the back of his head. "Your boss issued a hands off on us."

"That was only as long as you didn't get in the way." The demon returned, his knuckles white on Dean's coat as he attempted to hold the man in place. "The King wants Emanuel and he's not going to step aside just cause a Winchester…" The creature's words bubbled off into a bloody sizzling choke as the breath- and for that matter- life was knocked out of him. The body he'd taken sparked and buzzed with the same crackling sound that always came when Ruby's knife slid home.

The body continued to stand for a long slow moment even after the creature possessing it was fully dead before crumpling to the floor at Dean's feet. He shook out his shoulders and moved to turn around, intending to check if there were any more leeches inside where he'd seen the woman tied up.

He never made it.

In his chest he could no longer feel the beat of his own heart. It stuttered and failed, relieving him of blood, air and the ability to think of anything beyond the almost sudden appearance of the man in front of him. Somewhere in a distant part of his brain he was sure his mouth had fallen open. He eventually managed to close it but never quite worked his way around to forming words.

The man stood at the bottom of the steps. His short lean form and normally unruly black hair which seemed to have been tamed for the time being looked almost unnatural in the everyday clothing he was wearing. One day Dean was sure he was going to look back on this and laugh. Hell, he fucking hoped he could spend hours at a time losing it over the image that stood before him, because if he didn't laugh he was going to cry.

Green eyes surveyed the man with a cold disbelieving glare filled with more pain, and hope than it had any right to hold. They stopped only when they were met by a confused, endless blue gaze.

* * *

"What was that?" The deep gravel of the dark haired man's voice was almost enough to do Dean in entirely. He supposed it was a miracle he hadn't just exploded right there on the spot. In the end though he knew the only reason he was managing so well was because the confusion he saw reflected in clear blue eyes was not the same confusion Castiel had always directed at human ways and customs.

The angel's name seemed to float through the Hunter's mind like a stray seeking its way home.

Instead, the bewilderment was reversed. It was the confusion of a human seeing the supernatural for the first time. The universe really did have one fucked up way of playing surprise party.

"It was horrifying…"

Dean finally snapped out of his internal standoff, collecting himself for a reply. This was not Castiel. At least not the Castiel he had known. He looked the same, sounded the same, even tipped his head the same fucking way.

But the other-worldy essence that had always stuck to the angel like glue to paper was missing, leaving him wholly… human.

"That…" The Hunter cleared his throat, bending to wipe the blade on the demon's shirt before putting it back in his jacket, "was a demon."

He wanted to scream. Who cared about the fucking demon? Who cared about the fucking presence of anything supernatural in the world? _THAT_?! He wanted to know what _this_ was…. What Cas was doing here… in the middle of nowhere Colorado…. Standing a bare six feet away…Alive.

The man blinked as if he wanted to believe what Dean was saying but couldn't quite wrap his mind around the idea of a demon being real. "There was a demon in the world?" He breathed in horror.

"A? Hardly… they're all over the place." Dean commented still reeling. "That one was reaching a little too high above his pay grade." He eyed the angel turned apparent human. "And you are?"

"Emanuel." The blue eyed man tipped his head up, meeting Dean's gaze in entirely for the first time. It almost broke him to see the total lack of recollection reflected there. No memory… no recognition… no spark of understanding that would tell the Hunter Cas still existed somewhere beneath the horrified human exterior.

Dean wanted to rage. How dare Castiel be alive and not remember every piece of shit he'd done. Every life changing decision he'd made bare months ago. How dare he forget Sam and how he'd torn down the wall, the only think keeping Hell at bay from the ragged excuse for a soul his brother was clinging so fervently too.

How dare he forget _Dean_.

And yet… at the same time, a part, a small part…ok a big part… of Dean wanted to cheer. Cas was alive…. Alive and safe and, while not totally there as far as he was concerned…. Sound.

Again his mind was forced to fast-forward through the past few moments to catch up with the barely existent conversation.

Emanuel.

Of course he was Emanuel Dean thought sarcastically. Who else could it have been…?

He should have known the "real deal" was bound to be a fucking angel. He'd even thought about the possibility that it was someone he'd met before… maybe Balthazar… the dick had faked his death once before already and seemed to find a perverse pleasure in doing nice things for people just to throw them off when he turned around and stabbed them in the back.

But this… never in his whole life had Dean expected this.

"Dean." The hunter introduced himself feeling so lost and awkward all he wanted to do was shoot something.

Really it was a pity he'd already killed the demon. Maybe if he was luck there would be another one inside he could gank.

About five praise filled and entirely awkward moments later Dean found himself inside the house. There hadn't been any other parasites to deal with and he'd taken a place at the edge of the room looking in with confusion as Castiel made quick work of the bonds holding the woman to the chair.

"Thank you so much for saving my wife." He thanked again, looking up at Dean with the kind of sincerity that made the hunter want to throw up.

It was certainly the kind of phrase he never thought he'd hear coming from Cas.

"Yeah sure... no problem. Look… I came for a reason… I was hoping I could ask for your help."

"Anything." The blue eyed man interrupted, his gaze never wavering on Dean's.

"_I'm sorry."_

"_I'm going to find some way to redeem myself to you… I mean it Dean."_

"I assume you have someone you want me to heal." He continued on, hitting the nail on the head in one go. Though, Dean supposed it was the most asked question of his life. "I can heal many ailments including those of a spiritual nature."

Dean just bet he could. He shook himself slightly as if to shake off the cynicism that was clinging to him like air. "Ah…. Yeah." He couldn't prevent the frown that flickered across his face when the woman turned to gaze up adoringly at the man who was apparently her husband. He was looking back at her with a gentle fondness… but not the undying adoration reflected in the woman's eyes. "I'm in a little bit of a rush…" He cleared his throat trying to imply without flat out stating it that every minute was important.

Which it was. Dean didn't know how much longer Sammy could hold out. Two or three days at most probably… and it would take at least one to get back to him.

"Of course." Emanuel nodded, "We should go now." The assuredness in his gravelly voice forced a smile from the Hunter. It was like hearing Castiel all over again. Clear in his path and plan the words had a confidence born of a life… an eternity really… spent as an angel.

An eternity he didn't remember.

* * *

The car ride began in an odd half uncomfortable silence. For his part Emanuel seemed to be taking everything in stride, as if accepting the presence of demons in the world was just another walk through the park. For Dean however, the ride was something deeper entirely. Each moment that passed in silence was a moment when he'd managed to squash down the need to pull over and rage at the angel for what he'd done, and the need to beg him to remember.

But of course he did neither. He prided himself on being able to contain such harmful emotions, hiding them away where no one else would notice. They could get him killed after all.

He snorted. Killed. What a fucking joke.

"So your wife…" He started, seeking to break the silence in any way possible. He glance over at his companion, trying to resist the flutter of deja-vu that oozed through his memory, pressing it away with the first topic he could grasp at. The topic of Castiel's wife wasn't much better in all honesty than the silence. Just the thought of the angel being married was a goddamned joke. How was it possible God had been letting him live so peacefully for the past six months, while Sam had been going out of his fucking mind?! Where was the fairness in that?

Dean ground his teeth. Oh right. God was gone.

"Yes. My wife." Castiel's voice slipped through the fury that had begun to build in the hunter once more and Dean reminded himself that this wasn't Cas. This was Emanuel, some nobody healer from backwoods Colorado. "She's the one who found me."

"Found you?" Dean glanced over again. His anger had been locked away for the moment and replaced with an unsure confusion.

"It's… not a happy story." The blue eyed man admitted, never once taking his gaze from the dark road ahead of them. "You wouldn't like it."

"I bet I would." Dean challenged. Fuck the hedging. Dean wanted to know just how the Hell Cas had made it out alive. Last he'd seen the angel had been playing one man host to more Leviathans than they could count. He'd waded out into the lake without a backwards glance leaving Bobby and the Winchesters standing there with no more clue as to what had just happened than if he'd flown away without a word.

"A few months ago… she found me wandering beside a lake, lost and unclothed. She took me in, cared for me…"Again with the fucking soft smile. Dean was getting sick of the look. "She said…. God wanted her to find me."

Unfortunately the Hunter couldn't argue that one. God had put he, Sammy and Cas back together so many times now he was losing count. It fucking galled him though that the son of a bitch wasn't listening now when Sam needed him more than ever. Tucking those flowery thoughts away he moved on to his next question, a half smirk tugging at the edges of his lips.

"So who named you Emanuel?" He really was quite interested to know just how an angel ended up with an angel's name 'el' suffix and all.

"Bouncy Baby Names .com "

The ensuing awkward silence prevailed for some time. If Cas had remembered anything he would have been in for some serious teasing with that one. You couldn't make shit like that up.

"Well its working for ya." He turned his eyes back to the road. "It must be weird not knowing who you are."

"Well it's my life. It's a good life." Emanuel seemed pleased with his statement. Or perhaps more acceptant than anything. Dean on the other hand found himself frowning. What right did Cas have to a good life when he'd taken away any shot of Sam ever having one at all? When he'd taken everything from Dean?

It wasn't fair to antagonize a man who didn't even remember what he'd done. Logically the hunter knew this. But it was an itch he couldn't not scratch. A wound that would never stay closed. So he picked.

"What if you were… I don't know, some kind of bad guy?" He asked it with a feigned innocence, keeping his gaze steady on the road ahead of him. When Emanuel turned his way the man's blue gaze was like a physical touch on his face, so intent that Dean had to glance over.

"I… don't feel like a bad person."

There was no answer to that. After all… Cas never had thought he was doing something wrong. Not till the final hour when he'd realized Dean had warned him and had only been trying to help him all along.

"_Whatever shit you've got going on man… we can deal with it together."_

"So your brother…"

"Sam."

"Sam. He's the one in need of assistance. What is his ailment?"

Dean sniffed and shifted his shoulders. "Well it's not exactly physical."

"That should not be a problem."

The hunter glanced over before looking back to the road again. "Someone did this to him." He couldn't keep the pain out of his voice as the damning words slid from between his teeth.

"You're angry." Emanuel observed. There was the slightest tip to his head when he said it, his tone retaining the same lit Castiel had always used when he was trying to figure out just what the purpose of one new human emotion or another was. The whole moment was so familiar to Dean it almost hurt as much as the thought of Sam wasting away in that fucking asylum.

"Of course I am. Dude broke my brother's head."

"He betrayed you… this dude. He was your friend?"

Dean turned to level a long hard look on the man beside him. There was no evidence that Castiel could remember anything, and yet… when he said things like that… things that no one should have understood so instantaneously, he wondered that the angel wasn't still in there somewhere.

"Yeah well… he's gone."

"Did you kill him?"

The question had the hunter raising his brows in affronted shock as he turned _again_ to look at Emanuel. The other had already turned away, as if understanding the intensity of his question. And yet, he didn't look concerned for his safety as he continued. "I sense that you kill a lot of people."

Dean blinked. "I… honestly I… I don't know if he is dead." No statement could have been truer, more telling, and more painful to admit. He shook his head, biting back a coarse, humorless laugh. This was one screwed up conversation. "I just know. .. that this whole thing…. Couldn't be messier."

The floodgates had opened with that last comment and Dean didn't seem to be able to shut himself up. "You know… I use to be able to just shake this stuff off…whatever it was. Might take me some time but….I always could." The wistful tone of his voice left them both in silence again and he felt like he had to fill it. Like he had to say it even if the man beside him had no idea what he was talking about. It needed to be in the universe.

"What… Cas did…" The pause ate at him. The hitch on Castiel's name when the angel himself didn't even grasp its meaning… It tore at Dean. "I just can't. I don't know why."

"It doesn't matter why."

Dean sneered. "Of course it matters."

"No… Dean. It doesn't. You're not a machine. You're human." The hunter only shrugged. He wasn't too sure about the legitimacy of his humanity anymore. Not after all the shit they'd been through. Did one go to hell and come back, still human? Certainly not the same. He wasn't sure he could still play the human card anymore.

"Your friends name was Cas? That's an odd name."

Dean blinked himself out of his thoughts of humanity when the irony of Emanuel's words slid through them like a knife turning his head to look at the judging expression on the other's face.

Fuck Irony. That just wasn't fair.

* * *

The thousand and one things that went unsaid throughout the remainder of the car ride weighed on Dean like a physical pressure. It was as if each thought he pondered and shoved away was just one more stone on his shoulders, pushing him into the ground until he was sure he was never going to be able to climb back out.

To tell the truth. It was torture.

He and Cas had had their differences before. The year he'd spent thinking he was alone after Sammy had been locked away in the cage... well that was one of them. That year, despite the smile he'd managed, just _barely _managed, had been like stepping back into hell. Worse maybe... cause he wasn't allowed to scream. He'd hit rock bottom in that year and there had been no one there to pull him back.

Specifically no Cas.

He'd begged. Called, demanded, bargained, prayed, pleaded... the whole nine yards. He'd even cried. But damnit all if every harsh word hadnt been met in silence, every tear another reminder that no one was watching. He'd decided then that it had never mattered anyway. He clearly wasn't worth the angel's time now that Lucifer was back in the box and Michael was with him, erasing the need to protect against another Apocalypse.

Hed come to terms with his abandonment. And by terms he meant that more than once he'd had to persuade himself that life was worth living. That year he'd have done anything , ANYTHING, just to hear Castiel's voice. To know that his life up till that point hadn't just been some fucked up nightmare.

Then Sam had come back and he'd thrown himself into the task of retrieving his brother's soul. Thrown himself back into the hunt like a man starved of food and water. It was a 110% effort on Dean's part, cause if he gave anything less... there wasnt going to be anything to give. He'd decided to ignore how quickly Cas had come the moment he knew Sam was back, locking away in his subconscious the angel's very words moments later stating that they had some kind of "profound bond". Fuck profound. He'd have given up profound for a friend that year.

So like the pro he was at evading all things personal and painful, he ignored it. Ignored it all and dove headfirst back into work.

They'd managed to put up the wall thanks to Death and Sammy had gotten his soul... but Cas. Fucking Cas. He'd torn it straight back down. A warning to Dean to do as he was told. To keep being the brave little ant so long as he was willing to march along in line and trust the more powerful beings to do the men's work.

He'd trusted Castiel with everything.

Now Sammy was broken.

Dean had spent a long time hating Cas for that. Damning him straight to the bowels of hell and back.

The hate had faded to a biting anger and sadness when Castiel had died as if to say _How dare you leave after what you did..._ And yet despite it all he could never bring himself to feel like the angel had deserved it.

So he should have felt something, anything now that Castiel was alive again.

But even with the angel sitting right beside him, Dean could not remember feeling more isolated.

The tension in his shoulders as his brain whirled through year's worth of pain was all but making him shake. Enough so that even Emanuel noticed, glancing over than quickly away when he realized that something was wrong and that whatever it was, Dean had no intentions of discussing. He would not have denied being pleased that the ride had come to an end when they pulled up outside the hospital less than an hour later.

* * *

Emanuel climbed from the car and followed Dean wordlessly to the edge of the hill where it overlooked the entrance to the hospital he'd said his brother was in. Blue eyes widened as he turned his attention from one to the next of the figures who all seemed to be milling aimlessly around the door.

"They're all..."

"Demons. Yeah."

"How many of those knives do you have?" Emanuel asked, unable to turn his gaze away from the horrific sight below them.

"Just the one." Dean's response bit the air with a sigh and the healer turned to look at him, watching as the man pulled said knife from his coat, turning the blade this way and that as if by staring at it or holding it just so in the light, the knife might replicate.

"Then how are you going to get past them all?"

Dean glanced over, frowning slightly. "_I _cant."

Emanuel tipped his head. He caught on easily enough to the unspoken _"but you can."_ that hung in the air between them. The healer was not a stupid man. He might not remember his life before the last few months. He might not have known about demons up until a few hours before... but for what he could remember he knew he'd always had an uncanny ability to read people, as if gleaning the surface thoughts straight from their minds was something one could do. That and his apparent ability to heal had always been with him. So when Dean let the unsaid words float about them Emanuel did not understand the reasoning… but he understood the meaning.

"You think I can." It wasn't so much a question as a statement of fact that, like the unsaid words, seemed to pause in the air between them.

Dean knuckled his eyes, sniffed and tipped his head back to look at the night sky for a long moment before turning his green gaze back on Emanuel with a wordless look that was almost begging the healer to understand everything that he couldn't say.

"You know me." Emanuel stated again. He wasn't questioning anymore. He'd felt for several hours now that this Dean Winchester had known far more than he was letting on. He'd let it go, figuring that the sooner he healed the man's brother the sooner he would be willing to explain. The presence of the demons however blocking their way into the hospital had effectively put a stop to that easy plan. "You can tell me." He assured the hunter. "Ill be fine."

Dean seemed unconvinced. "How do you know that? You just met yourself." To Emanuel the words sounded desperate. Half pleading, half angry as if he knew nothing good was going to come of explaining things. When the healer didn't make any other comment in return Dean sighed again.

"Yes. I know you. I've known you for years."

Emanuel nodded. He'd expected that. His brain traced through their conversations, the way Dean had reacted to things he'd said. Things he'd done. He frowned, brows scrunching together in thought as something finally occurred to him. It came out of nowhere and yet he couldn't believe he hadn't seen it before. Well… perhaps he had. He just hadn't wanted to. Suddenly, it seemed so obvious.

"Am I... Cas?" The name sounded foreign on his tongue and yet as soon as he said it he knew the answer.

Dean stayed silent, watching, waiting... as if expecting Emanuel to explode at any moment. He was tense... but it was not the tension of anger that he'd been laboring under throughout most of the car ride. It was the kind of tension that came with worry... like seeing a train-wreck about to happen and having no ability to prevent it.

The healer didnt ask again. He only fixed his gaze directly on Dean's and waited.

"Your name is Castiel..." The hunter finally spoke. His voice was low but his gaze never wavered from the man in front of him. "You are an Angel."

Emanuel blinked. "Is that a flirtation?"

Dean huffed a sigh and ran a hand down his face as if to wipe away his expression. "No. It's a species."

"Well… that sounds quite pleasant."

"It's not. Trust me." The hunter's words stung the air as he spoke. To be fair, this wasn't how he'd wanted Cas to remember. But truth be blatantly honest… Sam's life hung in the balance and Cas was his only hope. He was never going to be able to get past all the demons in front of the building without help, and with Cas thinking he was just human… he was never going to get into the building at all. "Angels are soldiers. Warriors of God. Soulless and emotionless… but powerful. That's how you can heal. And I bet you read people really well too."

Emanuel frowned. "I don't feel soulless…. or emotionless."

Dean shook his head and gave a weary shrug as if asking what it was the other man wanted to hear. "I don't know what to tell you man. I'm only repeating what I've learned. What you've told me."

"So we're friends…." Dean's conversation in the car about things this 'Cas' had done came back to him. "Or we were."

Dean just stayed silent.

"I… I had no idea… I don't remember you. I'm sorry. And I don't remember being an angel. How am I supposed to get rid of those demons if I can't even remember the name you tell me is mine?"

"It's all in you." The hunter assured him. His shoulders were taught with tension again as if he was steeling himself against the other man's words of not remembering. "If you can heal than it means you've still got your angel mojo. Don't know how, but you made it out alive… so that's something." He glanced back at the group of demons. "You have the juice to get rid of all of them… how is in you." He felt like a fucking fortune cookie talking like that. But really who the hell was he to try to give angel lessons to the angel who'd been god?

Emanuel seemed unconvinced and yet he knew that what Dean was saying was not a lie… at least not as far as the hunter was concerned. The man really did believe Emanuel was an angel… that he could heal people because of some heavenly grace and smite the group of demons with hypothetically the same ability. Taking a long slow breath he turned around. What other choice did he have but to try? He felt suddenly like he had something to prove to the hunter… something to make up for even though he couldn't remember what it was just as surely as he didn't remember who Dean was.

Slowly he took the first step down the hill, then the next, his movements nervous but with gaining confidence as he got closer and closer.

* * *

What happened next was something Dean was sure he would never forget. It was a sad testament to the hunter's bitterness bordering on hatred that he let Cas walk down there alone to face a group of demons without the slightest idea of how to kill them. A year ago and he would have never let the angel out of his reach, fighting alongside him tooth and nail to make sure nothing happened.

In the end though, Dean wasn't exactly needed. One by one the demons fell under the press of Castiel's palm, a spectacular brilliance shining from beneath his hands as each one pressed into their skin essentially burning away the evil taint of their being. When he was done the angel just sort of stood there. Dean could almost see the gears rotating in his head. He made his way down the hill, stepping slowly out onto the pavement to meet the other man.

"Cas?" The nickname fell from his lips with a certain amount of hope and shock. It was the first time he'd been able to say it with the expectation that it might receive an answer from its owner, rather than stating it and being forced to remind himself that Cas was no longer and Emanuel stood in his place.

For his part Castiel reacted in a similar fashion, Dean's nickname for him splintering down his spine with enough memories to send him to his knees. But he kept himself on his feet and slowly, ever so slowly he began to turn around.

"I remember you." Castiel turned fully to face the hunter who was watching him like he still might fall apart. "I remember everything."

The change was drastic. So simple, so subtle, and yet it was hard to believe that the man who had stood in front of Dean moments before was the same as the angel standing in front of him now. Then again he supposed it wasn't the same person. It wasn't like Cas had been acting or pretending. He'd honestly believed himself to be human, to be just another lucky soul who had the ability to help others… albeit one who didn't remember his past… but in the end, just another healer.

Now though… it was an entirely different story. Castiel stood there in that kind of otherworldly stillness that Dean had only ever seen angels manage. The kind of stillness that seemed almost like it could be effortlessly maintained for the rest of eternity. It was the same with the blinking… or lack thereof. Cas was doing it now in fact… staring at Dean in that unblinking way that the hunter had come to associate with the angel. It was the kind of unbroken gaze that held every thought, every emotion, every memory in the vivid blue of his being. To a human the unblinking gaze would have been purely for the purpose of allowing oneself to collect their thoughts. But an angel needed no such time.

Castiel knew everything that he'd done with a clarity that was going to burn permanent scars into his grace.

Everything he'd done.

And none of it could be forgiven.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

Dean didn't have much of a chance to react to the angel's question before Cas was moving, striding past the hunter as if to waste no time removing himself from Dean's sight. "You should have told me. I shouldn't be here. Everything I've done… Everything I became…All of it… because of me… Sam…" He was speaking as he walked away, hands fisted at his sides in an unconscious human display of emotion. If either of them had stopped to think about it they might have wondered why Cas was even bothering to walk when a few beats of his wings would have taken him so much further than any equal amount of strides.

"Cas… Cas!" Dean caught up to him at the top of the hill reaching out to grasp the angel on the shoulder and spin him around, forcing him to stop. "If you remember than you know full fucking well that you did the best you could at the time."

"DO NOT DEFEND ME DEAN." Castiel was furious. It was a fury Dean had seen so rarely in the angel. It permeated his very being like a blaze lit being his eyes. "Do you have any idea…. Any idea of the death I caused? The pain? The mistakes I made because of my _Pride._" He said the word and they both knew what it was to admit that an angel of the Lord had been subject to such a base human emotion. Dean frowned but couldn't say anything. Castiel continued to stare at him, the intensity of his gaze never faltering. "We did not part friends."

There was a profound sadness in his statement and his shoulders sagged as if burdened by the weight of his memories. Dean found himself subconsciously irritated that anyone was bashing Cas… even if it was Cas doing it to himself. Thoughts of everything they'd gone through in the past few years filtered through his head.

All the times he'd hated the angel. All the times hed fought, begged, cried, prayed. All the times Cas had been there without even a second thought. The good the bad… every memory made its own appearance reminding him in that moment exactly why he'd all but fallen to his knees when he'd seen Cas standing at the bottom of the steps in nowhere Colorado.

He was alive.

Perhaps that was all that mattered now.

So it was with a slow breath that Dean held the angel's gaze for his own reply. "So?"

Castiel blinked, clearly having expected anything other than that simple acceptance. He'd expected Dean to fume silently as he always did… to make some biting remark in response, referencing something along the lines of _I told you so._ But not that. Not the single word that reverberated with _"I'm not sure how yet… but we'll get through this."_

"I deserved to die Dean." The angel looked beaten in that moment speaking as if for the sake of convincing them both. "I can't possibly fix what I broke…. So why did I even walk out of that river…?"

The pain in Castiel's voice was mirrored in his whole body.

"Maybe so that you _can_ fix it."

And fuck but if Dean wasn't making it a habit now to sound like a fortune cookie.

They both stood there in a long heavy silence, neither quite sure what to say after that. Cas still wasn't convinced and Dean didn't know how else to persuade him that after all of it, life was worth more than death. He raised his hand to knuckle his eyes again and the keys he'd been clinging too since they'd stepped out of the car jingled. He stopped the gesture to look at them, something clicking in that moment.

"Wait." The hunter spoke the word in that kind of halting command that was said in the hopes to convince the receiver not to go anywhere while he did whatever it was that needed doing. With a quick practiced movement Dean moved to unlock the trunk of the car, the hatch flying open with a squeal he would have never heard from his Baby. But at that moment what was inside the car was more important to him than the car itself.

He pulled back, standing straight again as he turned to face the angel, bringing with him something neither of them ever thought they'd see again. Cas because, well because he hadn't remembered in the first place, and Dean because he'd relegated that item to the corner of his trunk where painful memories were stored.

Silently he held out one hand, fingers gripped around the tan, bloodstained material.

Cas stared at the coat with the same intensity he'd always directed at Dean. Slowly, and with the kind of reverence that seemed way above the worthiness of the garment, the angel reached out, his fingers sliding along the smooth fabric as he pulled it out of Dean's hand.

After a moment he looked up, catching Dean's gaze again with a silent look as if to say: _All right. I'm ready._

* * *

TBC

Part 2: There'll Be Peace When You Are Done


	2. There'll Be Peace When You are Done

**Worth**

* * *

Part 2: There'll be Peace When You are Done

* * *

There was nothing but pain. It was a searing, screaming, buzz that raced through his frame over and over like a current of lightning that had specifically chosen Sam Winchester as its conductor. The fact that it was, in fact, electricity humming through his body wouldn't have made him feel any better even if he'd had the ability to process the thought. His shoulders shook and hands and feet strained against the ties that held him to the bed.

_Enough. Please God… enough… I… I can't…_

His thoughts faded as the sizzling pain disappeared with a snap, the sound of the machine powering down accompanied by a flash of light that made the hunter's fuzzy brain wonder if he really had been struck by lightning.

In the distance he could hear his name being said and the vague touch of fingers on his forehead followed by a blast of warmth and light that seeped through to his very soul. It was like standing too close to a fire but never feeling the burn. All heat and light but no pain. For a moment it was soothing, and he opened his eyes to see who had touched him only to meet the smirking gaze of Lucifer.

He groaned. "You're not real." His eyes slid closed again and the fallen angel's laughter followed him into his mind as once more he began to sing.

* * *

"What the hell do you mean you can't?"

"I mean… there's nothing left to rebuild."

Dean and Cas stood at the edge of the small room watching as Sam, in a half waking state, glanced over to the other side of the room clearly unable to tear his attention away from whatever was going on in that direction. After Cas had stopped the demon from killing him, the pair had brought the younger Winchester back to his room, setting him on the bed where he stayed in an almost trance like state, entirely unaware of what was going on around him.

The sight of his little brother like this almost killed Dean. "So what then… You can't do anything?" He tore his gaze away from Sam and glanced at Cas wishing the angel had said something else to say… anything else. He was trying his damndest not to be mad…. But Castiel was his last hope. After this… there was nothing left to do.

The tone in Dean's voice slid down Castiel's spine like a knife. "I'm sorry. This isn't a problem I can simply erase. You know that."

The apology hung there like the memory it was, reverberating throughout the room.

The angel turned his gaze from Dean and back to Sam. He didn't know what to do. He'd cause so much hurt, so much pain… so much death… and with the one person who meant everything to the person he'd sworn to protect… he couldn't even heal him. His own hands had taken down the wall… but the pieces were far too crushed for him to put back up. He didn't sigh like Dean or Sam would have, such a reaction being just too human enough for the once-again angel to manage, but his shoulders slumped slightly as he watched the younger Winchester lay miserably silent on his bed, his white clothing matching white sheets and white walls in an eerie way that made the angel uncomfortable.

If only he could get enough of the pieces together. Maybe then he could shore up at least a little of what was happening to Sam. Of course he wished he could take away the pain all together but….

Castiel's thoughts raced and stopped all at once. Endless blue eyed widened with realization and theory as he straightened out bringing Dean's attention effectively back to him. "I can't fix it… but maybe I can shift it…" He started forward ignoring the questioning "What?" that Dean uttered.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, so close to Sam, Castiel could almost physically feel his mental anguish. He'd long ago taken to not looking too deeply into Dean or Sam's thoughts out of respect for the brothers, especially considering Dean had growled at him enough times about how uncomfortable it was to think that someone else could hear what he was thinking. But there would always be a certain amount the angel couldn't drown out. Surface thoughts that flew at him like spears. Unintentionally of course, but poignant nonetheless.

With Sam though, in his current state, there wasn't even the slightest bit of protection around his thoughts. It was like an open book that flashed wildly in front of Castiel's eyes, pages flipping from one to the next, some tearing out all together in their haste to change or go back.

"I'm so sorry Sam." He didn't waste any time reaching out, once again ignoring Dean as his name pulled from the hunter's lips. He wanted to take it all back. To put everything to rights. He wanted to earn Dean's respect and faith the way he'd once had it. This was the only way he could do that. The only way to repent for everything he'd done, every moment of pain, death, and hardship he'd caused.

"I'll be fine." He lied.

* * *

Dean all but froze as panic iced through his body. One moment he'd been drowning in his own sorrow and hatred and the next his heart was in his throat as he watched Castiel reach out to put his hand on Sam's forehead. There was a pure moment of stillness, the proverbial calm before the storm. Then everything was happening all at once.

Sam's face lit with an internal dark red glow that followed the patterning of veins around his eyes as those very eyes lit with the same dark brilliance. His body arched off the bed as if being subjected to excruciating pain and he ground out a gasping cry.

For his part Castiel seemed to go entirely still… blue eyes snapped open and staring forward into space as if he was concentrating so intently he couldn't even be bothered to close them. The light seemed to set a path for the angel, clearly being drawn by something.

It was then that Dean found himself moving. He didn't know how or when but as soon as the light began to slide up Cas' arm the hunter was reacting, reaching out so that one hand landed on Castiel's chest as if to push him away while the other slid between the angel's palm and his brother's face. What he could accomplish or not accomplish was beyond him at that point.

In that moment, that split second between what was happening and what was about to end, all Dean could think was _"Not again."_

Green eyes slid closed as he concentrated on pushing the pair apart. It felt like the weight of the world was holding Castiel in place and Sam had no ability to move away on his own. If he'd been looking he would have seen his own hand, now between the angel's and his brother, light with the same dark red glow. He would have watched as the angry veins traced themselves up his arm, collecting around his own eyes the same way they collected around Cas' and Sam's lighting three pairs with the same eerie glow before fading into a silent nothingness.

* * *

Sam was the first to come too, gasping in air like a man starved of it. He breathed deeply, blinking and looking around with a confusion and worry that made it clear he'd only been vaguely aware of his location for the last few days. His eyes went instantly to Dean who was slouched beside his bed, eyes closed and forehead leaning against someone else's knee where he appeared to have either fallen asleep or passed out. His gaze followed the knee to the tan material of a coat he vaguely remembered before climbing to a face he most certainly did.

"Castiel?" the younger hunter's voice was hoarse with disuse and fatigue and he blinked, frowning around the fuzzy appearance the world still seemed to possess. He had to be dreaming. Cas was dead. Months ago dead. This had to be another one of Lucifer's games. Throw friends at Sam and see how long it takes him to break. Again.

But the angel wasn't moving. Like Dean he was slumped forward, eyes having fallen shut as consciousness escaped him. Suddenly too worried to care whether this was a hallucination or not Sam reached out, one hand grasping Castiel's shoulder while the other went to his brother, shaking gently but with an alarmed worry that would have been enough to wake anyone.

Dean snapped awake first, his head flying into the air as he looked around. It was almost comical, one of those moments where a person goes from being dead asleep to perfectly awake in the span of a split second. Cas wasn't much better. Blue eyes tore around the room, landing first on Dean then Sam in such quick succession that he didn't even have a chance to brace himself as he wobbled and started to fall back.

"Woah!" Sam reached out to steady the angel, turning to his brother to make sure that Dean wasn't suffering the same problem. Apparently he was because the green eyed man was clinging to the edge of the bed as if it was the only thing holding him in place. He blinked a few times before glancing up, eyes widening with such shock and awe that any other time Sam would have inserted some irritating little brother comment. In that moment though he remembered just why he was here in the first place.

"Sammy?" Dean's voice, like Sam's was hoarse, almost like he'd been screaming. But he paid it no attention, clearing his throat and blinking again, clearly trying to convince himself that what he was seeing was real.

"Hey Dean."

"Holy fuck Sam what the Hell happened?"

"How should I know… last I remember, Lucifer was just starting in on his second read through of 'The Three Little Pigs.'" He turned his attention to Castiel when Dean moved his gaze to the angel. Cas was looking between the two of them with about the same amount of shock that Sam was leveling at him.

"That… was not supposed to happen." The angel spoke. His normally gravelly voice was edged with fatigue much like the brothers. He looked like he hadn't slept in a week. But he was alive! And that was something Sam had never thought to see again.

"What wasn't?" Sam asked when Dean stayed peculiarly silent.

Castiel blinked a few times in an attempt to clear his vision. "The transfer…." He trailed off. "I cannot feel it all." He turned his gaze directly on Sam, meeting the younger hunter's eyes with an intensity that made him want to shift back. "How do you feel?"

"Fine… actually." He replied. Now that he had a chance to think about it… he felt more normal… more put together than he had in ages. The fact that Lucifer wasn't babbling in his ear was testament enough. He frowned. "Why Cas… what the hell happened? And how are you alive?" He was pretty sure the second question wasn't going to get answered till later but it was nice to hear it aired into the room.

"I attempted to shift your wall… or at least what was left of it. The process should have syphoned the damage done by Lucifer on your soul into me… but something…" He stopped, blinked, and turned to Dean who'd been perfectly silent for the past few moments which, in Sam's opinion, was enough to warrant a certain amount of suspicion.

"What?" The green eyed man growled out, gaze narrowing challengingly when Castiel did not look away. He turned to Sam when the younger Winchester took the angel's side and stared back in the hope that someone, anyone really, would give him a straight answer. Syphon his wall? What the hell was that supposed to mean?

"What did you do Dean?" Castiel finally demanded when it didn't appear like Dean was going to willingly say anything.

"Nothing!"

"Dean…" Sam was impressed with the depth of growled warning that the angel managed to place in a single version of his brother's name. It wasn't like a parent threatening a child who wouldn't admit to breaking a lamp but rather like…. Like an angel threatening to smite a human soul for not cooperating.

Far more deadly if you asked him.

"I didn't do anything!" Dean repeated. "I just pushed you away a little!"

Sam blinked and Cas about reeled off the bed which was new. "Why? What does that mean?"

Castiel tore his gaze away from Dean who had taken to looking at the edge of the bed as if the weave of the cheap white fabric was the most interesting thing in the world. "I was attempting to move your wall, or rather what was behind it." He began. "It was the only way to help you, to save you from Lucifer. If I could take on your Hell, you would be free."

Sam opened his mouth to speak, the words on the tip of his tongue aghast at what he was hearing but Cas shook his head, silencing the younger man so that he could continue. "Your brother… in all his infinite wisdom, got in the way." He continued bluntly earning a piercing glare from Dean in return. "As such, all that was contained behind your wall has been effectively split. This transfer was never meant for a human conductor. That said, I believe your hell has now been divided between you, myself, and Dean." He trailed off with nothing more to say, falling silent and staying silent in a way that was so wholly and purely Castiel, Sam could barely contain the spark of happiness that him simply being there and alive was bringing.

That happiness however was bulldozed by the angel's words as Sam finally repeated them enough times in his head to make sense.

"WHAT?!" He turned to Dean all but throwing himself off the bed, hands raking through his hair as he began to pace across the room. Dean too had climbed to his feet leaving Castiel, who suddenly felt awkward sitting when no one else was, to follow suit.

Dean rolled his eyes concentrating instead on wiping his hands on his jeans as if to be rid of the feeling of the fabric he'd been picking at. "Chill the fuck out Sam. We're all standing aren't we?" He seemed rather calm for someone who'd just been told that he'd taken on a third of his brother's experience in hell.

The younger Winchester, however, was reacting in a much more expected way, continuing to pace the floor so quickly it was a wonder an instant rut wasn't worn in it. "Chill out? CHILL OUT? How can you even say that Dean?! You and Cas just took on... something... something..." He couldn't even put his words in order enough to yell at his brother correctly. Finally he gave up, throwing his hands in the air as he stopped right in front of Dean, leveling a stare on his brother that would have held anyone in their place and sporting the biggest Bitch face the older hunter had seen in a good while.

Sam's mood did not improve when his glare was returned from Dean with an amused smirk. The worst part was... he was trying to stay mad... trying to figure out how to yell at Dean and Cas- but mostly Dean- and was finding it impossible when the other just continued to grin like the whole world had finally slid into place.

The disapproving glare faded to a sad and heavy expression as his shoulders slumped, eyes moving back and forth between his older brother and the angel. "You shouldn't have done that." He spoke, the words intended for both of them.

Dean seemed honestly confused and his smirk turned to a snort as he narrowed his eyes at Sam. "And just why the hell not?" He demanded. "You're my brother Sam." He finished as if that should have been all there was too it.

He decided then, in that moment, that those words would be the stand he was going to take. No one but him was ever going to know that in the singular moment between Castiel reaching out and placing his hand on Sam's forehead, Dean's only coherent thought, had been of Cas. In fact, he was ashamed to realize that when he shuffled through his memories of what had happened, that Sam's welfare had been relatively low on the list of impending priorities.

It wasn't like he'd _wanted_ anything bad to happen to Sam. God no! But after Cas had tried the first time to fix the younger hunter- to no obvious avail- a part, a very small part of Dean had finally begun to come to terms with the thought that he really was going to lose his whole family. So when Dean had seen the angry red veins of light begin to slide up the angel's arm, he'd panicked. All he'd been able to think was.

_"I can't lose you too...Again."_

Castiel was watching Dean intently, having moved his own blue gaze from the taller of the pair a moment before when he'd been all but railroaded by errant thoughts that were practically a physical attack on his being. And all of them were emanating from Dean. To the angel, Dean's thoughts were like the press of the ocean over his skin. The water blurred his vision making what he saw unclear but if he'd really wanted too he could have put on goggles as it were and taken a closer, more coherent look at each individual thought, deciphering just exactly what it was the hunter was feeling in that moment. But the same promise he's made to Dean in the past kept him from doing so now. It didn't mean that when something swam close he wasn't going to recognize it for what it was. But likewise just because he recognized it… did not mean he understood it.

So while Sam stared in irritated acceptance at his brother, Castiel could only tip his head and attempt to work through the thought that had flown at him like a shark zoning in on dinner. _"Not again. I can't...not again, please Cas…."_

The fact that Castiel's own name was part of the thought was most likely the reason the angel was having an issue ignoring it. Whether conscious or subconscious, prayers always reached their destination. It was simply the decision of the angel whether or not to answer them. Dean continued to look pointedly at his brother, wiping a hand over his face when their little staring match went on just long enough for him to reach his own breaking point of irritation. It was clear to the angel that in this instance, the hunter was most probably unaware of his own thoughts. Little did he know, Dean was 100% aware and doing his damnedest to ignore them.

"Get over it Sammy. You're alive. I'm alive. Hell… Cas is fucking alive. Are you really going to look this gift horse in the mouth?" He challenged, his words biting the air and bringing Castiel's attention away from his thoughts and back to the conversation that had sprung up once more.

"Dean… It's not like that… you know it's not. But this wasn't something I ever wanted you to take on. Hell this wasn't something that should have even been _possible_ for you to take on…" His mouth opened to continue but he was interrupted.

"It's not." Castiel said simply and with no preamble. Only when both hunters turned to look at him, eyebrows raising in the universal symbol of _please continue_ did he realize he was expected to elaborate. He frowned knowing that what he was about to say, Dean was not going to like. The green eyed hunter was often touchy about the bond between himself and the angel and usually did not appreciate any mention of it. Castiel had never understood such opinions but did his best to respect Dean's choice to not discuss it. He took a breath. "Shifting your experience of Hell to myself, while not simple, is possible. It is…" He tried to think of something to equate the process to that the pair in front of him would understand. "… in a way it is like when I have flown and taken you with me. Only this time, I was taking only a part of you with me."

Sam and Dean seemed to accept this.

"Ok… so if you were zapping Hell from Sam's brain to yours, how'd I end up with part?" Dean asked, his body language as he turned to face the angel stating that he had an idea and was daring Cas to actually voice it.

"The….bond…" Castiel continued on through the narrowed eyes of the hunter's gaze, "that exists between Dean and myself is something that transcends the physical body as it was not the body but the soul I raised from Hell." He glanced at Sam no longer able to take the warning glare emanating from the older brother. "When I reached for the Hell in your mind it was not with my vessel but rather my Grace… and when Dean reached out to you…" He spoke of Sam as if he wasn't aware that Dean had in fact, confusingly, been reaching out to him instead of his brother. "he ended up reaching with his soul. It was a subconscious reaction, one that Dean could have not controlled. As a result you were drawn into the process, effectively accepting a part of what I was taking." The last statement had been directed once again at the elder hunter when Castiel finally looked away from Sam and back at Dean, endless blue eyes unblinking as his words trailed away.

Both brothers could only stand there in complete silence, watching the angel as if they expected him to either continue on or retract what he'd said and give another answer. Castiel could not have in fact offered the pair a more awkward response than the one they'd just heard. Sam was blinking and refusing to look at his brother and Dean was doing his absolute best to burn Cas to the ground with his glare.

The noted lack of screaming, and a very much still standing Castiel proved that his pyro-kinesis was in need of some practice.

"Ok…." Sam was the first to break the silence, glancing over at Dean with the kind of look that said _if we hadn't all almost just died…. you would never live this down._ "So… Dean…. And you… now share _my_ hell…" He touched his own chest as if to emphasize his words before letting his fingers point at the pair in front of him. "…thanks to _your_ bond…"

"Yes."

Sam's lips flattened as he nodded, his expression contemplative.

_"Awww, isn't that sweet. Big brother to the rescue."_

The voice whispered through his mind, its touch so soft and distant the younger Winchester wondered for a moment if he'd actually heard it. It was the laugh that followed that convinced him he had. Like muscle memory, his body tensed up, freezing for a moment before he frowned. His fingers went to his left hand, pressing sharply in a gesture that had become almost habit over the past few months. This time however, unlike the last week or so, the painful pressure in his hand accomplished the task of silencing the voice.

Dean didn't miss the motion and went from attempting angel murder to worrying so quickly it was a wonder he didn't suffer from whiplash. "Sam?" He questioned, brows knitting in the center of his forehead.

"No Dean. It's alright. I can shut him out again." He looked up, eyes filled with a certain awed wonder as he met his brother's worried gaze.

Castiel was nodding. "Because your experience in Hell has essentially been split in thirds, it should be significantly easier to control what you do and do not recall. In time, you may even come to repress such memories entirely."

Dean couldn't have prevented the smile that wove across his face if he tried. Sam was whole. Sound and whole and safe. He was just going to have to learn to burry shit like everyone else did. And this time, remembering wasn't going to kill him.

Sam seemed equally excited but frowned and turned to Cas. "But what about you and Dean… if I can hear Lucifer, will you?"

Cas nodded again having expected such a question. "It is true that Dean and I now possess a certain aspect of your time in Hell. And it is very likely that we will both experience memories of those times in our own way. However, I cannot say one way or the other if it is Lucifer who will appear to either of us as he has to you. While he was the center piece of your hell, Michael was also present in the Cage, and Dean himself has memories associated with his own time that may again resurface."

The angel's words did nothing to smooth away the aching guilt that Sam was feeling after this whole process. He would never be anything but thankful for this second shot he'd been given… he only wished that it didn't come at the price of his brother and Cas living through his hell. Like the angel had said, Dean had already survived his torture, both in receiving it and giving it… how was it fair to make him experience it again?

Dean snorted and shrugged. A master of evasion and repression the elder Winchester only smirked and reached out to pat his brother roughly on the shoulder, pleased when the taller man didn't crumple at his touch. He was still tired, that much was obvious, but there was a renewed strength in Sam that could not have made Dean happier. "Come on Sammy. It doesn't matter. Whatever it is we'll get through it. Always do." He clicked his tongue and tipped his head with an arrogant wink before turning away from the whitewashed room and heading towards the door. "Now. If you girls don't mind… I'd like to get out of here. I'm starving." He disappeared through the door leaving his brother and the angel to glance between each other with their own versions of an eye roll.

* * *

Dean whistled a soft tuneless song as he walked, a lightness to his step that had not been there before. Things were looking up. Cas was alive... Sam was alive... _he_ was alive. That was all he could really ask for right? The fact that despite their little journey-too-the-center-of-Sam everyone seemed relatively sane... well that was like eating pie while sitting on the hood of his Baby. Perfection.

Halfway down the hall, however, his perfection seemed to slide away and he stopped as the lights around him went out, leaving the building in darkness. His body tensed, fingers edging towards his belt where slowly he pulled his gun securely into his hand, the heavy weight of the metal almost soothing.

"Sam?... Cas?" His voice echoed slightly in the empty corridor and he blinked, looking around as his eyes slowly acclimated to the dark. A burning hiss announced the flip of a light as it came on behind him and he spun, arms raised at the ready and gun pointed with exceptional aim.

_"Dean, Dean, Deannn…. Is that any way to greet an old friend?"_ The familiar voice crooned his name and Dean's eyes widened as a tall gaunt figure stepped from the darkness into the dirty glow of the single hanging light. Bile rose in his throat and he swallowed thickly. It took a moment to kick start his brain before he could reply.

"Alastair." The name was a disbelieving hiss on his lips, said with the utmost hatred and disgust.

Alastair raised his hands and turned slightly as if to show himself off_. "In the flesh."_ He took another step forward, sliding his hands back into his pockets as he grinned at Dean, getting ever closer despite the gun pointed in his direction. _"Whatttt, didn't you miss me?"_ He tisked and stopped when the nozzle of Dean's gun was just centimeters from his chest, grinning like he'd received the best Christmas gift of all time. "I missed _you_." His voice continued to croon in that sickly sweet way.

"You're not real." Dean hissed straightening out and letting the gun fall as if to prove his point since there was no way he'd have ever lowered a weapon around the real Alastair. "You're dead."

_"Oh no Dean… You see…"_ The demon grinned widely and stepped closer. _"I'm all up here."_ He raised a hand and pressed a finger against Dean's temple before the hunter could do so much as take a step back. _"And we have so much to catch up on."_

Whatever else Alastair had planned to say next was drown out by a sudden searing burn that began at Dean's shoulder and shot down his arm and back, followed by the pressure of fingers that almost made him stumble back.

"Dean."

The hunter looked up as the pain in his shoulder faded to an ache, blinking against the sudden light of the hallway after the darkness. He looked around, eyed landing on Cas who stood directly in front of him where bare seconds before Alastair had been. "Cas?" He cleared his throat and straightened out noticing that in doing so the angel's hand slid from his shoulder. "What the hell man?"

"What did you see?" Castiel didn't beat around the bush, instead holding Dean's attention with that same intense unblinking look that almost seemed to see the answers long before they were ever stated.

"I…." He paused. Fuck but if he wasn't sweating from that encounter. He reset his shoulders and caught his balance, feeling off. Alastair had always left him feeling that way. He hated it.

Sonofabitch. He'd buried those memories a long time ago. Deep in his psyche beneath miles of concrete and lies. Dean Winchester was the fucking King of repression. And yet he could see so much of it now. Feel the heat and darkness he'd lived for over forty years… the cool press of a blade in his hand. He could hear the almost harmonious song of screams.

And it made him sick.

He reeled, breathing in deeply and bending over. He braced his hands against his knees and closed his eyes. Castiel frowned as the hunter doubled over, caught between remaining still and silent and reaching out to offer help. But before he could make his choice Dean was straightening out again, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand and sniffing in an attempt to compose himself. He met the angel's blue gaze and gave a halfhearted smile. "Sorry man. I'm fine. Just a little winded you know? Been driving all day after all." Neither of them made the comment that Dean had been known to drive for days on end without so much as a bitter word and that the few hours between here and Colorado was less time behind the wheel than he normally clocked in. "Come on, where's Sam? Let's hit the road and find a place to crash. And food. And pie. I deserve some pie." He clapped Cas on the shoulder and turned to continue down the hall, leaving the angel to collect his brother and come to his own conclusions.

Unconsciously Dean's hand rose to rub the side of his left shoulder as he walked out the entrance, soothing away the residual tingle that seemed to hum there, before the angel lost sight of him as he disappeared through swinging doors.

* * *

"I am not sharing a bed."

It was the last thing spoken in the room before Sam managed a spectacular nose dive into the first of the two queen sized beds that filled the small motel room. He didn't even bother stripping out of his coat, his shoes having been kicked off the moment he'd walked into the room. Instead he merely sprawled, the gargantuan length of his body falling diagonally across the bed so that every inch of it was taken up by his prostrate frame.

Dean rolled his eyes and threw his coat over the back of one of the chairs at the small table which, besides the two beds, nightstand, mini fridge, and accompanying chairs, was the only other significant piece of furniture in the room. He had to admit that it was good to see Sam actually sleeping. If he made it through the next hour without waking up, Dean would consider this a victory. Turning away from his brother he moved his attention to the angel who stood silently on the other side of the room, also watching Sam. He glanced up when he felt Dean's attention turn his way. "He should sleep for many hours." Castiel assured the older brother.

Dean nodded and glanced at the second bed then back to Cas, tipping his head in a gesture of _take it._ "You can have it. You look like shit Cas."

Castiel tilted his head. "I do not require sleep Dean." The hunter should have known this already.

Dean frowned. "Oh. Right. Yeah, well you still look like you could catch a few winks." He watched as Castiel turned to glance at himself in a mirror hung on the far wall, turning this way and that as if his appearance was going to explain to him what 'a few winks' were.

"My disconnect from Heaven has drained my strength." To Dean the angel's words sounded as close as he was going to get to agreeing that Cas needed sleep.

"So what are you going to do? Can you just bounce back in there… fuel up, and take off again?" The hunter wasn't really kidding himself. He knew full well anything the angel did now wasn't going to be half so easy.

"That would be unwise. My brothers and sisters believe me to be dead. I can hear them now but have remained silent so as not to cause additional confusion." His brows furrowed. "Heaven is still in upheaval." Since his disappearance six months back it seemed little had worked in the direction of righting the problems in heaven since the end of the apocalypse. In fact, it appeared that there was more discord than there had been before. Heaven might have been corrupt during the apocalypse, but the Host had been led by powerful figures, not the least of which had been Castiel. Between himself and Raphael after Michael's nosedive into the pit with Lucifer, they had managed a certain amount of stability and order. With the pair of them gone, however, he could see the strain it was placing on the others. In general, angels were not meant to lead. They were creatures of obedience and order. They were warriors yes, but General was a title most often differed to God. "I must return soon. But not yet. Too soon and what is left will crumble. Factions have begun to form. Splitting them apart now will only cause further strife."

Dean listened in silence as the angel explained the intricate workings of heaven in only a few sentences. It had always simultaneously amused and irritated him how Cas was able to take the most complex theory and make it sound as if it was a simple, straightforward problem. The issues in heaven had never been even close to straightforward, yet listening to Cas you would have never thought otherwise. "Well you're welcome to crash with us obviously. I…" The hunter frowned and trailed off for a moment. He ran a hand through his short hair then back down his face looking everywhere but at the angel who had turned to offer him the full intensity of his attention.

He didn't know how to just continue a conversation with someone who had been dead yesterday. There was so much that stood silent and unsaid between them. Logically he knew that eventually all those words were going to topple and spill, but for right now he was going to content himself with the age old tactic of repression and evasion.

"So what's the plan then?"

Cas seemed to think it over, ignoring the blurry buzz of Dean's thoughts and concentrating on his own. "I do not believe this is like last time." He began, both men instantly recalling the time Castiel had been little more than human, his Grace so weak he couldn't have smote the weakest demon. "With time I believe I will be fine." Which was saying something considering he had just spent the last six months of his life not only believing himself to be human, but recovering from a dance with one too many leviathans to count.

Dean sighed and flopped bonelessly into one of the chairs. He was tired. Probably tired enough to conk out like Sammy had and sleep for a week. But at the same time he was too nervous to sleep. The thought of closing his eyes only to see Alastair again was less than appealing. He'd spent two years learning to ignore the voice of the demon... and now he was going to have to start right back at the beginning. His brows furrowed as a thought struck him but he chomped down on the words when he realized that asking his question would give him away.

The hunter mulled it over in the long extending silence that continued between him and Cas. It was that same silence that they'd shared in the car when neither could decide what to say. Dean because he'd been hiding things, and Cas because even as Emanuel he hadn't been any good at conversation.

"So this hell of Sam's..." He began, glancing over at the angel who was still standing a few paces away. "You said we would all experience it…"

"Yes. I believe because Sam has often been confronted with visible representations of Lucifer it will be much the same for you and I. We are after all taking on a piece of Sam. I do not, however, believe that Lucifer will be the vessel for hell for either of us."

Deans lips pressed tight as if he was trying not to say anything. He could attest to Castiel's words surely enough. The sick hypnotic laugh of Alastair echoed somewhere in the back of his head and he sighed. Nothing was ever just fucking cut and dry was it?

"I can say for certain it has not been for me."

That brought Dean out of his own thoughts so quickly he was surprised he wasn't suffering whiplash. "Come again?"

Castiel frowned and continued to concentrate on Dean. Maybe if he concentrated hard enough she would stop talking.

_"Oh just tell him Castiel. Really what harm could it bring? Oh…" _There was a soft pause and the disappointed click of a tongue_. "…but you're an angel. Angel's don't show their feelings. I remember being like that. Once. Its why I fell you know. Chose to fall. What's the point of being a mindless soldier? I spent two thousand years watching the world with a cold uncaring eye. I know what the other side is like Castiel. Really know. But you…. You're just playing a game. Like a cat with an amusing mouse…"_

"Anna…is….She appeared a short time ago." Cas finally replied. His face was flat as he tried to ignore her words. Explaining to Dean just why he was seeing Anna was going to be near impossible. How could he tell the hunter that she- an Angel he'd once respected so greatly, an angel he'd looked up too and even called his superior- was the only one who understood that the fastest way to hurt him was to point out what he both did and did not want.

Humanity. Free Will.

He didn't want to _be_ human. Not at all. But the time he'd spent on earth, watching the Winchesters, fighting with them against the apocalypse… he could understand how such emotions as those that drove both Dean and Sam, could be appealing. That inherent understanding that every choice they made was their own. Pure unadulterated free will.

He could never explain to Dean that while he'd chosen to walk a different path… to set himself apart from the rest of the Host… he still labored under the heavy feeling that maybe… maybe he hadn't escaped. That maybe this was what God had wanted him to do all along. Maybe… he wasn't choosing anything. Perhaps he was still just the obedient little angel who'd followed orders to drag Dean from hell in the first place. And Anna… well she was the only one who had ever known…ever seen. Uriel had caught glimpses of it once but Anna had been human. She had walked along the other side of the fence and knew how to use its beauty against him.

Dean was blinking at him. "Anna…. Your seeing Anna?" He leaned forward, setting his elbows into his knees and running his hands over his face and through his hair before he glanced back up. "Right now?

Cas glanced over to where the red head was sitting on the edge of the empty bed, drawing abstract patterns into the comforter and paying him absolutely no mind.

"I do not know how to get rid of her." He admitted so calmly he could have been talking about a kitten that was following him around.

Dean frowned. Well fuck. Experience told him that you had to find your reality… to base everything you had in the present and the physical and block out all the rest. It had worked for Sam, and his younger brother still pressed down on the center of his hand, the pain becoming his tie to reality. Once, Dean had found the same tie in his car. It was why driving for such absurd lengths of time had never bothered him. The longer he was behind the wheel of his baby, the longer he wasn't trapped in Alastair's bloody version of an office, or standing at a smooth metal table, cool blade in hand as the music of thousands of screams welled in the air around him. He shook his head and turned to concentrate on the angel in front of him, not realizing that when he'd seen Alastair in the hallway it hadn't been his car that had pulled him back.

"You gotta find a link Cas." Castiel remained silent and Dean tried to collect his thoughts to better explain his meaning. "You have to pick something that reminds you of what is real, what is now. Anna is not there. Whatever she's saying to you doesn't matter. Don't let it pull you down."

"I am not a fool Dean." Cas' voice was dark and Dean realized that while Cas was listening he didn't quite understand what the hunter was saying.

"I never said you were." He assured the angel. "But you're not human. You haven't had to deal with grounding yourself before." If he had thought Cas was pissed with his last comment it was nothing compared to the righteous indignation that flickered through the angel's endless blue gaze when he finished speaking. Of course, had he known he'd unintentionally repeated exactly what Anna had been mocking Castiel with for the past ten minutes he would have never said it. But the hunter had never been so lucky. Instead he had to sit there in sudden bewilderment as Cas all but turned him to ice with his glare before reaching out and pulling the second seat back for him to sit.

If an angel could look hurt… Castiel was sure managing it. Dean frowned. "Cas…?" He started only to be cut off by the other man's words.

"Be silent Dean. I wish to focus."

Well hell. He'd said something that had pissed the angel off and he didn't know what it was. Huffing his own irritated exasperation he leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. Two could play the silent game. His fingers tapped aimlessly on his arm, just under the handprint shaped scar on his bicep, beating out the rhythm to an old song in his head. But when a dark sickly laugh bubbled up in the back of his mind he rubbed the very same spot where his skin had tingled before, the place he'd been tapping feeling almost sore.

Clear blue eyes opened slowly and Cas was left looking at Dean who was still unconsciously rubbing his arm and pointedly not directing his attention at the angel. Each time his fingers brushed over the scar Cas was left feeling like there was a distant hum somewhere in his Grace. Like a sound just below the threshold of hearing. So long as that sound rang, Anna was gone.

Castiel's brows furrowed and his head tipped, his irritation with Dean forgotten. "She is gone."

The hunter looked back at Cas, surprised the little tantrum had ended so quickly. He'd been sure Cas had planned to give him the silent treatment…. Maybe he'd just been making things up. "Oh. That's great Cas. Well I'm glad you figured it out. It gets easier."

Cas, were he human, would have nodded then. Not so much as to agree with Dean's words, but rather to simply gesture in response to them. Instead he stayed still, allowing his own words to do what body language had always managed more simply.

"It would be easier if it were not necessary at all." He started, but continued before Dean could reply to his obvious comment. "However, as this is the price to be paid for Sam's sanity, I will gladly carry it." He hadn't looked away from Dean the entire time but now his gaze seemed to grow more serious and repentant. "My only regret is that you are sharing this burden, and that I could not wholly shift it from Sam."

The hunter rolled his eyes. "It's not like you forced me to do anything Cas. Quit beating yourself up about it."

Cas looked unconvinced. "Why _did_ you do it Dean?"

Dean Winchester had always prided himself on his ability to make a snarky reply or a witty comeback in intense or serious situations. Sam would have explained that it was Dean's number one tactic of choice for avoiding his own feelings. A defense mechanism if you will. Dean, after making yet another witty remark to his brother as payback would only later silently admit to himself that Sammy was right. So when his tongue and wit completely eluded him, all he could mutter was the truth.

"It didn't make sense to lose both of you." Hell. Roll intro credits! That was officially the gayest thing he'd ever uttered in his life. Feeling wholly uncomfortable he crossed his arms and hunkered down into the chair before deciding against sitting and all but tossing himself up out of the seat and towards the mini-fridge where he'd stashed a six pack when they'd come in. Rummaging about for a bottle that was at least semi cold Dean grabbed what he wanted and straightened, turning around only to find Castiel a bare few inches away from him, eyes slightly narrowed as he stared at Dean as if trying to figure out just what he'd meant when he'd spoken.

"Fuck Cas. You are_ too _close." He moved to take a step back but there wasn't any room too, so he stepped to the side, gesturing as he continued to speak. "We've discussed this personal space thing man, remember?" He motioned in a small circle around himself with his empty hand to imply an invisible barrier between him and the rest of the world. Particularly a single blue eyed angel who still after all this time didn't seem to grasp the concept of 'my space'.

"You would not have lost me."

Dean wanted to stab himself. Instead he settled for pressing the heel of his hand into his eye in a gesture that was similar to slamming one's face against a desk before turning to face the angel who was still standing. He pressed his lips tight and let his fingers twist the top of the bottle off, his own eyes never falling from the angel's confused and interested gaze. Dean was sure this was all just a big joke to him. Hell... Castiel was an angel. Maybe when he'd said 'shift the wall' he'd meant for good, away and into the universe where it couldn't hurt anyone. Maybe by getting in the way Dean had actually caused Cas to experience hell with the rest of them. Granted he didn't exactly see how Anna could be any sort of hell... besides being a righteous pain in the ass, but he wasn't going to judge.

The truth was... none of that had mattered. The moment he'd seen that dark, red light appear on Sam and begin its slow and deadly ascent towards Castiel... he hadn't stopped to think. There hadn't been any time to sit back and ponder the billion and one possibilities that could have happened in that moment. There was only action. Only reaching out to try and push Cas away before he'd gotten hurt.

Before Dean really did lose everyone.

"Dunno what you want me to say man." The hunter took a swig of his beer. "What I saw... it was pretty fucked up." He congratulated himself on a comment well-made taking another sip. "What was the point of letting you both die... seemed like a waste."

Cas seemed to accept the comment and finally looked away, glancing back at Sam as if to make sure that he was still alive and only sleeping. Dean huffed a sigh of relief and collapsed back into his chair. The tension hadn't gone out of the room, hell it had only gotten worse, but at least now they weren't dwelling on it.

"You should sleep."

Leave it to Cas to switch the subject. Dean liked that about the angel. The way he could turn a topic to something else without any prelude. Granted it drove him up the fucking wall sometimes. But right now he could have kissed the man for not being so human as to press the topic. His brain stalled out on the word kiss and he shook himself knuckling his eyes.

"Can't. Sammy's asleep. Gotta keep watch." He lied. How could he tell Cas he was afraid that if he slept he'd hear Alastair?

"I will keep watch Dean. My Grace may not be at its full capacity but while I am here, no harm will come to you."

"Gee thanks Cas... just what I wanted. A knight in shining armor and a halo." He quipped. Cas was right though. He needed to sleep, and nothing was getting in while he was there. Sighing Dean set the beer on the table, forgotten the instant glass hit wood as he stood and turned towards the second bed. "Fine." He gave in without too much... ok, without any resistance. "Wake me if Sam gets up will ya?"

Castiel nodded, taking a seat at the table again as Dean shucked off his boots and over-shirt and climbed into the bed, pulling the covers up around himself like a shield against the world. This time he didn't even care that there wasn't a TV for Cas to gawk at and that the brothers would probably become the centerpiece of his attention while they slept.

His last thought, as sleep enveloped him, was that at least they were all alive.

* * *

TBC

Part 3: Lay Your Weary Head to Rest


	3. Lay Your Weary Head to Rest

**Worth**

* * *

**Part 3: Lay Your Weary Head to Rest**

* * *

Dean came too sometime late the next morning. He woke feeling refreshed as he hadn't in so long. The blankets were warm and he pondered just closing his eyes and going back to sleep, but the distant smell of some delicious breakfast food was just the convincing he needed to stretch. It was an understood fact that Dean Winchester was a sprawler. He had a tendency of taking up an entire bed with limbs going in all different directions. So when he found himself in much the same position he'd been in when he'd lain down in the first place he realized just how tired he really had been.

Pushing his arms above his head and arching his back with a bone crunching pop, the elder hunter slowly sat up, short hair managing to look mussed despite the length. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes before opening them and glancing around. What met his gaze could only be described as comical.

Sam and Cas were sitting at the small table. For his part, Sam looked a thousand times better. There was life in him again and the bone weary fatigue that had ridden him for the past few weeks seemed to have disappeared, replaced by a clearly veracious appetite as he scarfed down something that Dean didnt have a chance to process thanks to how fast it disappeared down the younger man's gullet.

Castiel on the other hand looked 110% uncomfortable. He kept casting glances in the direction of Dean's bed and only when Dean met his gaze- having woken up between one and the next glance- did he blink and look back pointedly at Sam as if to say _Blame him._

Dean wasn't sure why he should be blaming anyone till his last comment the night before about being woken up when Sam got up processed fully. For a split second he was irritated but the look on Sam's face when he turned to his older brother- the wide grin that said everything was going to be alright for at least the next 10 minutes- made him forget it entirely.

"Rise and shine sleeping beauty!" The taller brother grinned in a sing-songy voice.

"Shut up."

"Dean..." Sam looked worried for a minute but Dean wasn't buying it, he could tell by the fake innocence on his brother's face that he was about to be on the receiving end of yet another sarcastic remark. "I hate to tell you this... but you snore."

Cas glanced back and forth between the pair, head tipping and brows furrowing in a clear indication that Sam was lying and that he couldn't quite grasp the reason behind why Sam would lie about something so insignificant.

"Don't push your luck Sam." Dean moved to push himself out of bed but with the lack of a third chair at the table, decided to simply slide to the end where he could reach it well enough if need be. He turned to Cas when he settled at the edge. "Didn't I ask you to wake me?" The hunter knew full well that Sam had probably told Cas not to, and to let Dean sleep. But watching the angel sweat was just too perfect.

"I attempted too. However, you would not wake. Sam would not let me try a second time. And the first time was already... difficult." Cas' gravely voice was serious, as if his inability to wake Dean had been a failed mission of the utmost importance.

Dean hadn't expected that and blinked. Cas _had _tried? Huh. He'd been more tired than he thought. But what the hell did he mean by difficult?

Sam burst out laughing drawing both men's attention back to him. "You should have seen him Dean... poking at your shoulder. You'd rolled to the other side of the bed so he had to lean and when you rolled back again in the middle of his poke you ended up grabbing his coat. Cas all but nosedived into bed with you. It took us about three minutes to get you to let go." Sam's shoulders were shaking as he told the story, Cas was looking anywhere but Dean and Dean was staring at his brother slack-jawed, green eyes wide and unconvinced even as his cheeks heated beneath his brother's laughter.

"Quit making shit up Sammy!" He growled, pushing off the bed like it had bitten him and wandering about to collect his shoes and shirt.

Sam could hardly speak through his laughter. "Dean... I couldn't... make... this up... if I tried..." He was all but gasping for air but managed to compose himself when Dean shot an _I will kill you and painfully _glare his brother's way.

"Shut up." He growled again for good measure. He snatched his bathroom bag from somewhere in his duffle and stomped off to the bathroom.

"I do not think Dean appreciated your story." He could hear Cas' voice through the half closed door. The confusion and concern in it was almost hilarious. But no! Dean was fucking mad. Mad, he told his reflection with a pointed glare.

A few moments to himself was just what the doctor ordered. Teeth brushed and face splashed with water cold enough to wake the dead, Dean wandered back out into the room tossing the little bag on the bed before scooping up one of the wrapped breakfast sandwiches that had survived. He didn't ask permission, knowing full well it was for him and that leaving it there would have only put it in further danger of being eaten by his gigantor of a brother. There were three wrappers crumpled and tossed onto the table already that proved Sam's appetite had come back and with a vengeance.

"What happened to your rabbit food?" Dean asked, the amusement in his tone muffled by a mouthful of egg, cheese, sausage, and bread.

The look Sam gave him was serious and reminiscent of someone throwing up a shield in front of an oncoming attack. "I didn't eat for three days. What do you think happened too it?"

It was Dean's turn to frown then, taken aback by the sudden severity in Sam's voice.. "Seriously?" He stared at his brother, returning the tone 100%. "You're going to play the devil-on-my-shoulder card on _me_?"

Realization seemed to dawn on the younger hunter and he looked contrite. "Sorry… It's just… I." He sighed and took a moment to collect himself before continuing, glancing over at Castiel who had remained silent and was watching the pair with a guarded interest before turning back to his brother. "I'm still trying to convince myself this is real, you know? Half the time I expect to hear Lucifer laughing at any given moment, amused that the little human has fallen for his charade."

Dean stopped bristling. "Hey Sammy, it's alright. You got out, we all got out. Hell, even Cas made it." He pointed with the hand holding his sandwich, drawing a chuckle from his brother when the gesture turned into a full on gymnastics routine to catch a falling piece of egg. He didn't bother proclaiming his victory by holding it in the air and instead stuffed it in his mouth as if afraid that given a second chance, it would head for the floor again.

Castiel sighed.

"Yeah… I know… but it's still going to take a little time." Sam's mood seemed to have lightened. Nothing was going to wipe away the past few weeks. Hell nothing was going to wipe away the past year. But bit by bit Dean was determined to make sure that he did everything in his power to stitch his brother back together as best he could. "Cas told me what you did." He continued, leaning back in his chair and watching his older brother with a tight jaw.

"What I did?" Dean queried innocently taking another bite and relishing in the flavor of good old American food.

"Calling around. Asking everyone you could for help… going after Emanuel…"

"So?" Dean could see where this was going.

"Dean I thought…"

"I swear to god Sammy… you so much as finish half of that sentence and I am going to beat your ass into next week." The growled threat was no less intimidating thanks to the food that was once again being used as a pointing device. This time it had the sense not to jump from its wrapper towards the floor.

Sam frowned and Dean, exasperated, tossed the sandwich on the table where it hit with a dense thud. "The _hell_ Sam." He hissed. "Can't you just let it go?! You're out! That's it. Done. Nothing else to talk about. Good things _do_ happen you know."

The moment the words were out of his mouth he regretted them. Not because they weren't what Sam needed to hear. They were in fact _exactly _what Sam needed to hear. No. He regretted the words for the sharp turn of Castiel's head as the angel's attention went from half confused and directed at Sam, to intense, and fixed solely on Dean.

Shit.

As much as he tried he couldn't prevent the slide of his gaze towards the angel, green eyes snapping into focus on the narrowed sapphire of the man sitting silently at the table. Dean could almost feel the restraint the angel was putting on himself in an attempt not to read the hunter's thoughts, and for once he wasn't going to say anything. Instead he was going to let the uncomfortable look continue for a moment, as if to say _I know now shut up_, before turning his own attention back to his brother.

Words like that weren't supposed to matter. You weren't supposed to remember them years after they'd been spoken. You weren't supposed to use them on someone else in the same kind of situation. Not that anything would ever be the same situation as the first conversation he'd remembered having with Castiel… but that didn't matter. They were the kind of words that hit the air once… seared their meaning into the universe, then disappeared never to be heard from again.

Only… Dean apparently had no control over the things that slid off his tongue… and certainly no control over important words that meant nothing… important words that meant everything. He sighed. Once he'd had clung to those words like a lifeline, repeating them somewhere deep in his soul where only he could hear them. Sometimes good things happened right? Even after Sam had jumped into the pit… good things could still happen. After hed come back, but without a soul… good things could still happen. Even after Bobby… Ellen… Jo… Ash….

Cas.

He didn't know when… but somewhere between trying so hard to keep the world in one piece and just barely making it to the next day, Dean had stopped hearing those words. They'd been a silent, empty, grave deep in his chest right up until Castiel had reached out and taken his bloodstained trench coat from the hunter's hands.

_"Good things do happen Dean."_

"I know. I know…" Sam's sigh and words broke the long silence, which had in fact been a rather short one, and gave Dean a reason to snap himself out of his own thoughts and focus again on the world around him rather than the world of questions that were echoed in the angel's eyes.

"Yeah well you sure have one hella way of believing it." Dean muttered, flopping down on the edge of the bed and scraping his fingers through his hair.

Sam snorted. "Hypocrite." There was a smirk in the word as he glanced at his brother.

Dean turned his head and peeked out from under one hand with a raised brow but said nothing. Saying something would just lead to a repeat of this whole conversation, and what was the use in that? They weren't accomplishing anything by rehashing an old argument. That was the way it was always going to be… he'd realized that some time ago. One of them tip-toed to the verge of death. They made the other promise to move on. Begged, pleaded, threatened. Whatever it took. Then when they slipped over the edge the other would do everything, give anything to get the first back. They'd fight about it, strut around like it hadn't been anything, didn't mean everything.

And so they'd both end up right back where they'd started… if with a few more scars and dark stains on their souls. At least Dean always felt like he ended up with another spot. If Sam wondered why Dean drove himself so hard to get his brother back every time something happened, it was nothing compared to the soul deep confusion that seemed to permeate every part of the man when Sam did the same for him.

The younger hunter slouched further back into his chair taking a deep breath and making it obvious to his brother that now that he'd managed to satiate his need for food, and his own concerns about Dean's involvement in his being saved, he was on the verge of falling asleep once again. "Look like your about to crash Sammy. Why don't you go lie down again…"

Sam blinked up at his brother. He'd gone from awake to 95% asleep in the span of a few moments. Nodding slowly he pulled himself to his feet stretching his arms above him with a bone crunching pop. "I guess you cant just shake off a few days missing sleep huh?" There was a smile on his face and while he was tired it was nothing compared to the almost painful fatigue Dean had seen him laboring beneath for the past few weeks. He grinned and made a shooing motion with his hands, unable to prevent his own chuckle when for the second time in not so many days the taller man collapsed onto the bed, diving under the covers and disappearing into his pillow with an expedience that was nothing short of impressive.

"He'll be out for a few more hours at least." Dean commented into the room the moment he heard the slow heavy breathing that indicated Sam's successful endeavor into the dream world. He still wasn't looking at Cas instead focusing on collecting his sandwich from the table. Glancing at it he wrinkled his nose and threw it in the nearby trash bin. It had been good while it lasted, but the moment it had hit the table Dean wasn't so sure it was worth whatever hadn't been cleaned off that particular piece of furniture. With a sigh he finally turned his attention back to the angel who had been watching him the whole time. "So."

Castiel only blinked at him and Dean sighed. "Allright, come on. I need more than the three bites but Im not eating that." He gestured towards the discarded food as he grabbed his jacket from the back of this table and moved towards the door. Cas seemed to accept the direction in stride and was following after him quickly enough.

"Was there something wrong with the food?" The angel asked. He sounded almost like it was important and Dean cast him a questioning glance. When Cas only looked back at him, refusing to continue Dean shrugged and shook his head.

"Nah. It was fine. Great actually. And while I've been known to eat most anything…" He gave shrug "I tend to draw the line at food that slides across the table of grungy motel rooms."

The explanation seemed to be acceptable to the angel who nodded in understanding and climbed into the other side of the impala as the car roared to life. He wasn't about to explain to Dean that he'd been the one to make a breakfast run for Sam and had made sure to pick up something he'd remembered the older brother enjoying. When the hunter had thrown it away Cas had been confused by the momentary pang in his chest before he'd reminded himself it was just as sandwhich. The pang had disappeared entirely, however, when Dean had explained just why it had been relegated to the bottom of the garbage bin.

* * *

The short drive a few streets down into town was made in a comfortable silence. It was nothing like the heavy quiet they'd labored under on the way to saving Sam. It wasn't even like the silence they'd shared the night before when just barely broaching the subject of _Why?_ This wasn't to say of course that both men weren't hyper aware of the thousand and one things that continued to go unsaid, only that they'd come to terms with the fact that it wasn't quite time to voice those thoughts.

Just as with all outings with Castiel, Dean found himself and the angel installed in a booth in a local diner as if there had been no connecting steps between getting in the car and sitting down at the table. It was a miracle he supposed that there had in fact actually been steps. Cas tended, as did every angel he'd ever met, to appear and disappear at will and as need be, only the sound of wings heralding their arrival or marking their departure.

"Really?" The hunter asked, starting up a conversation when Cas placed his order with the waitress after Dean had done so, sending her away with a ticket for some sort of breakfast platter and a burger as rare as it was legal to make.

The angel looked almost embarrassed and Dean watched as he purposefully schooled his features into a blank stare. He wasn't fooling anyone… certainly not the one human who'd watched him down more White Castle specials than Dean was sure he could eat in a lifetime. And that had only been what he could see. The angel had later claimed after a quick question that it had merely been one of hundreds.

Dean would have killed for that kind of metabolism… not that he often needed it with all the running-for-their-lives he and his brother were used to doing. But if everything suddenly got peaceful, unlike Cas he was going to have to rethink his choice of daily foods.

"I have found," The angel began seriously as if what he was saying was as important as proclaiming the word of God. "…that when my Grace is not at its full capacity I am far more likely to be influenced by…" He stopped, a slight pull at his brows indicating his search for the correct adjective. "…human cravings." Satisfied with his choice of words he fell back into silence and waited for Dean to make some sort of response. The smile that tugged at the hunter's lips was the kind of amusement that couldn't have said anything other than _I told you so_. Cas frowned. "What?" The gravely texture of his voice was confused again.

"Oh nothing." Dean leaned back in his seat as well, draping one arm up over the back much the way an amused cat would drap himself. "I just find it funny that the Great Castiel would be influenced by anything human."

It took Cas a moment to realize that Dean was mocking him in a friendly sort of way. But despite the tease the angel was still unable to wholly separate the words said in amusement form the darker memories of what he'd done only a few months before. Dean's comment of "the great Castiel" ran just a little too close to the title of God for the angel's comfort. His shoulders slumped slightly without his knowledge and he moved as if he could sink back into the seat, leaving the hunter blinking in his own confusion over the sudden change in his companion's demeanor.

"Cas?" The worry in his tone caused the angel to look up, clearly uncomfortable and it suddenly struck Dean that his words could have been otherwise construed as a prod at the angel's past mistakes. The hunter sighed and leaned back into his seat. There wasn't anything he was going to say… anything he could say… that was going to suddenly make Castiel believe that what he had done hadn't been wrong. The fact that Dean was still harboring a certain amount of hurt over the whole thing- unadmitted or otherwise- would have prevented the hunter from speaking up in the first place. However, he wasn't one to let a friend suffer because of an errant comment when such a meaning hadn't been his intention. "Hey, Cas. Come on man… you know that's not what I meant."

The angel looked unconvinced and stared at the table. "It does not change the fact that it is what happened Dean."

"Maybe not. But I just meant…"

"I know what you meant." Castiel looked up, the endless blue of his gaze meeting the slight frown of Dean's. "But what I did…"

"Is in the past." Dean leaned forward so that when he could speak his words were for the angel and the angel only. There wasn't any reason the rest of the restaurant needed to hear this all. Hell they probably wouldn't understand half of it anyway. But the hunter had been on the receiving end of enough confused and worried glances from people who had caught snippets of his conversations with Sam over the years to know that keeping his voice down was worth the lack of questions in the long run. "Look. What's done is done. Like I said to Sam. We're all alive. We're all still kicking. You fixed him. That's what counts. You might have taken down the wall that let Lucifer run around in the first place, but you're the one who pulled part of the bastard out so that at least Sammy can learn to forget him."

"But at what price?" Cas hissed cutting Dean off and surprising the hunter. Castiel wasn't one to anger very quickly. He was like a fuse that just kept burning. Only once had the hunter seen the other man finally explode and it had ended with him draped over the angel's shoulders after a none too gentle reminder that there were still things worth fighting for. "At the price of the hundreds I killed? The price of all my brothers and sisters who "disobeyed"." His fingers came up to make the gesture for quotations and unbeknownst to Dean he was doing his best to ignore the words of Anna who was coaxing him on from beside the hunter. "whose only crime was to support another angel rather than one who would be god?"

"_Some god you made…"_

His voice was so low Dean could hear it rumbling in his chest, so anxious and hurt that if he'd been human… he might have been crying. Before the hunter could get a word in edgewise however, the angel continued. "Or maybe, the price of your sanity. How am I supposed to accept that Dean? I was going to take it all… every moment… every vision… every painful second of torture and hell that Sam was experiencing so that he didn't have too. Because it was the least I could do after everything else… But no… you had to get in the way… and now… after everything… I've thrown you right back into the pit."

Dean could only blink silently. It was probably the longest the hunter had ever heard Castiel speak without the constant interruption of someone elses side of the conversation. It wasn't the length of the speech however that surprised him most. Instead it was the conviction in his voice… the soul deep lamentation when he spoke of throwing Dean back into the pit that had the hunter floored.

"You didn't…" He started feebly wanting to deny the angel's words.

"Don't lie to me Dean. I know you've been having visions." Cas frowned, blue eyes blazing from beneath a lock of dark hair that had fallen over his face.

It was the hunter's turn to frown then. "What the hell Cas… I've told you to stay out of my head." He growled.

"I wasn't _in_ your head. You've been throwing thoughts at me since the moment I remembered who I was. I cannot control what I hear Dean."

"That's not…"

"One breakfast platter and a burger!" The happy, sing-songy voice of the waitress bubbled through the middle of their conversation causing both men to lean back quickly, neither having realized that they'd been staring intently during their argument. If the waitress found anything odd about it she didn't say and instead set their respective plates down in front of them before disappearing back into the kitchen.

Dean was so focused on what Cas had said he hadn't even been able to manage a thank you smile. Frowning he turned his attention to his food instead. Castiel only stared at his burger in the age old depiction of someone who had completely lost their appetite. Dean pushed his food around his plate before looking up, needing to speak before he could just move on.

"What I'm seeing…. It doesn't matter Cas…" He lied. "It's not real anyway… it can't hurt me…"

_"Ohhhh Deann. Playing the hero as always. Keep going… please… I'm sure little Castiel will just soak up those lies. Effortless aren't they? Like a knife sliding through butter… Or skin…"_

He could all but feel the hot press of the demon's breath on his ear as the sickly sweet voice whispered to him from somewhere he couldn't block, echoing again and again. Grinding his teeth he did his best to drown it out with thoughts of anything else. Food, the diner, the cute waitress, the way Cas' gaze dragged up from his plate, landing on his with the most disbelieving look the hunter had ever received.

He didn't even have to hear Cas tell him that he didn't believe him. It was all there… all in his look. Accusing and… something Dean couldn't quite place at first. Then it hit him. Sadness. There was pain in Castiel's gaze.

"What?" He growled, shoving the dark voice away as he focused instead on the angel's look. He didn't need that. Didn't need to see someone else's pain on his behalf. He didn't want the pity. It made him mad, furious even. How dare Cas look at him like that… like he was something small and upsetting… something that needed to be fixed but wouldn't allow it.

Castiel remained quiet.

"Oh, now you're going to give me the silent treatment?" He snarled tossing his fork onto the untouched plate with a clatter. "You know what Cas? Fuck you." Reaching out he snatched his coat from the seat beside him, barely tuning out the distant pleased laughter as he pulled a few bills from his wallet and dumped them on the table before he was up and out the door, striding back towards the Impala.

"Dean."

The hunter ignored his name, shaking his head as the laughter grew louder and more amused.

"Dean."

He reached out, his fingers clasping around the handle of the car, intending to slip inside and just drive away before a strong hand laced around his shoulder and tugged him around, forcing him to face the angel who had followed him out. He was too angry to notice the very sudden disappearance of Alastair's voice. With a violent shrug he pulled himself out of Castiel's grip.

"WHAT?" He all but roared. In hindsight he would be happy at least that they'd parked behind the building where there weren't as many possibilities of being overheard, but the volume of his voice was enough to snap even him out of his buzzing anger. Closing his mouth he glared at the angel.

"You are mad." Cas observed a little uncomfortably.

"Genius." The hunter deadpanned.

"I…" Cas faltered for a moment frowning, and clearly unsure of what it was he'd said that should warrant such a sudden and furious response from the elder Winchester. Before he could formulate a reply, Dean took over.

"You know Cas… I don't need this from you." He continued on through the slight tip of the angel's head and very serious gaze that told him the angel wasn't sure just what it was Dean didn't need. "I don't need your pity… or your worry… or anything else. I'm doing just fine on my own _thank you very much._" He hissed.

Cas narrowed his eyes, finally getting it. Maybe if he'd been in Heaven more recently his response would have been less vehement. Maybe if his Grace had been at full capacity and he'd been less… influenced… by human emotion… he wouldn't have been goaded into reacting. As it was though, the man's words hit something in the angel's chest, something that resonated painfully enough to force his words.

"Yes because _fine_ is the image of Alastair that bleeds from you every time you think no one is watching…" He didn't get a chance to continue, bobbing out of the way just in time to avoid the hunter's fist as it sped towards his jaw. With a deft shift of his weight and flick of his wrist and no small help from angelic strength, the blue eyed man had spun Dean around, slamming him effortlessly against the impala which rocked with the impact.

Instinct and fury forced Dean to struggle even tough logic assured him it was useless. He twisted his pinned wrists in Castiel's grip earning only a more painful press as the angel forced his arm upwards behind his back. He was pressed against Dean, effectively holding him in place with his own body as he leaned in to speak between the growls emanating from the struggling Winchester. "I do not pity you Dean."

"The hell you don't." The hunter snarled.

"I don't." Castiel assured him. "I…"

"Sure you do." Dean challenged, the pain is his voice seeping through the anger. He even stopped struggling, his body stilling and not fighting against the stronger being who was holding him in place so effortlessly. Suddenly, he was tired of fighting. "Everyone does." Dean would never admit how raw the nerve was that Castiel had hit with the look in his eyes in the resturaunt. He had always silently relied on the fact that while the rest of the world could think what they wanted about Dean Winchester, that Cas would always be on his side. Even after all the shit they'd been through. All the impossible fucking twists and turns in their lives that had built them up and torn them right back down again... Cas had only ever looked at him with the kind of understanding that said 'your going to get through this'. It was why he'd bothered after all right? Bothered to drag Dean from hell in the first place when the rest of the universe had been content to let him rot. But really... who the hell was he kidding... it had been an order.

Castiel blinked when Dean stopped struggling. He was suddenly hit by the overwhelming memory of a situation much like this. And just like that moment Cas wasnt hit with pity or worry, instead he was consumed with a furious anger dulled only by the memory of lost green eyes when once upon a time the hunter had looked up at him sadly, his face quickly swelling from the angel's repeated blows.

With an unconstrained snarl Cas spun Dean around so that his back was against the car, his body bouncing slightly as he caught himself when the angel stepped away effectively letting him go, shoulders tense and fingers clenched into fists. Dean didn't straighten out from where he leaned against the car, instead waiting for the blow he was sure was going to follow.

What came instead was a thousand times more painful.

"You _ass_." The angel hissed. "Didnt you stop for one moment... just one single moment... to consider that maybe what you're seeing matters to me because I _cared_." The words were so uncharacteristically Castiel that the hunter was literally left in complete silence. What wasnt uncharacteristic was the unblinking way the angel held his gaze. The way he stood there with a confidence only someone not human could ever really portray. But just as characteristic Dean realized with a shocking jolt to his subconscious was that the dead serious look in his gaze riddled with fear, apprehension, and worry.

Dean could only frown.

"You are so wrapped up in saving everyone else... in making sure the rest of the world keeps spinning that even when someone directs that same worry and care on you, you've twisted it to see only pity and sadness." Cas looked like the realization was pulling him apart and Dean still hadnt managed to find his voice.

"Good things do happen Dean."

Those words. Those fucking preachy, telling and goddamn needed words burned the air around them.

"Dont try to pull that shit on me Cas." Dean growled, the heat gone from his voice as he sagged back against the impala.

"Why is it so hard for you to accept that?" The angel truly looked confused, dark brows furrowing over bright eyes as he stared at Dean. The hunter felt uncomfortable beneath that gaze. Exposed, as if Cas could see everything he was trying so desperately to hide. "Is it so impossible to believe that despite everything... something good can happen?"

Dean finally looked up at that. "I dont know." He bit out. "You tell me. Tell me what good things I should be looking forward to when the world is still spinning towards the Leviathans. Tell me what good things could possibly happen when Lucifer is still running around in Sam's noggin. What good things happened after he was sent to hell and I was left to live a normal apple-fucking-pie life without even the _good thing _ of having my best goddamn friend stick around." He was on a roll and knew that it wasnt going to stop anytime soon. No matter how hard he tried Dean couldnt quite manage to close his mouth. He just sort of snapped. He was tired of not saying all the shit that needed to be said. Tired of pretending it didnt matter. It was someone elses turn to carry this weight around. Time for someone to at least share the burden. Despite wanting to share, he became aware that the more he spoke the less fair his words were. But he still couldnt stop.

"Tell me what was good about spending A WHOLE FUCKING YEAR thinking my brother was dead. Then months believing something was wrong but nobody fucking bothering to tell me that 'oh wait Dean... Sammy doestn have a soul.'

So, good news, we fixed it... just barely. Death dragged me around like a chew toy for a day to teach me a lesson then finally gave Sam what he needed." The pain in green eyes was astronomical. "But then... then..." He smiled that sad upsetting smile as he shook his head, pushing off the impala to stand straight. "Then you took the world into your hands and tore it straight back down." There was a half beat of silence as the pair stared at each other, the hunter catching his breath to move on, and the angel standing awkwardly, eyes downcast as Dean reminded him of everything he'd ever done. The hunter's words were like burning knives in his memories.

"Then you died Cas."

Another beat of silence. This time though, the angel looked up, the overwhelming guilt and anguish in his gaze replaced by confusion and surprise. Dean's words were so broken they'd come out in little more than a whisper.

"You died, Bobby died... Sam..." his voice broke slightly and for a moment he trailed off glancing away before turning back to Cas.  
"And now your back. And Sam is back... and I dont know what to do Cas because I know the moment... the fucking _instant_ I let myself think that 'hey... this is good... we're all alive' the moment I let myself believe my own words... its all going to disappear. All of this..." he waved his hand around as if to encompass the world and the split seconds of peace it seemed to have found, "is all going to come crashing down. So excuse me, Cas, if I cant find it in myself to believe that '_good things do happen'."_

He blinked and sniffed, straightening out as a breeze pointed out a chilled line down his cheek. He wiped it away quickly. Fuck but if that wasnt just the gayest time to loose it. He felt like a chick. Spilling his heart and fucking crying while he did it.

"Dean... I..." Cas started to speak when Dean cut him off, shaking his head and putting out a hand with a sad forced smile.

"No man. Its fine. Don't. Im sorry, about..." He waved the hand as if to gesture to the past. "All of that. Its just..."

"Dean... stop." The hunter's babbling words trailed off beneath Castiel's command. Under other circumstances he might have huffed and told the angel just what he thought about being commanded to do anything. As it was he managed to snap his mouth shut, afraid that if he didnt they were going to have a repeat of the last few minutes. Cas was watching him with the same intensity he'd always directed at the hunter. Dean had never known another look from the angel. Were he to speak to Sam he would have realized a long fucking time ago that he was the only one ever on the receiving end of that look.

Cas actually had to gather his thoughts. It was an uncomfortable feeling... not knowing exactly what to say and exactly when to say it. Granted he'd never been perfect at saying the exact right thing in front of humans as Dean would have been only too happy to point out, but he'd never had to search further than at least three already present different responses to any given situation.

This time though, he was all but at a loss for what to say. Dean had spilled his soul, giving the angel an even better- and more heartbreaking- look at the man who had labored his entire life under an almost immobilizing fear of being abandoned. Dean would never have said it in such away, but those who knew him, namely Sam, Bobby, and Cas... would recognize it for what it was. So hearing the hunter actually put into words his feelings when he'd lost all three of them...

Well it was humbling. And the angel wasn't used to being humbled. Oh he felt guilty, and his chest ached every time he thought of all he'd done in the past year. But to be humbled by the feelings of a human... it was a testament- even if he didn't yet realize it, which he did- to the extent that Dean Winchester had affected him.

"Dean." It was the third time in barely as many words that Cas had said the hunter's name, and somehow it didn't seem repetitive... only sincere. "If I could take back what happened... I would." It was his turn to raise a hand to call silence to the other man when his mouth opened to speak. Again the hunter snapped it shut, resigning himself to hearing what the angel had to say. It was only fair after all... even if he didn't want to hear it... he probably needed too.

"Please believe me when I say that my actions... while wrong and misguided... were never meant to hurt you." And the thing was, Dean _did_ believe him. He knew that Cas had been doing what he thought was right... what he thought he had to do to win the war with Raphael... to prevent the apocalypse from starting again.

"That year..." He faltered, brows furrowing as he pieced together his words giving Dean that single moment to grasp just what year Cas was referring too. "That year that you lived with Lisa and Ben..."

"Cas... man you don't have to expl..."

"No Dean. It's important." He seemed to steel himself against his own words. Set on putting them out there in the universe. "I thought I was saving you from pain..." He finally admitted in a rush of words, though to anyone else they would have sounded as controlled as the angel always did. "I thought that my presence would only be a reminder of what you had lost." His eyes were glued to Deans.

Neither man seemed to realize anymore that they were standing in the middle of an empty parking lot behind a diner bustling with people. It was as if the whole world was on pause just for them. The building could have exploded and they probably would not have even glanced over.

"When I heard you calling... your prayers, my name...I wanted to come so many times Dean." Dean ground his teeth at the angel's words but Cas continued. "I even did once or twice..." That got the hunter's attention real fast.

"What?" The word was growled and low.

"I couldn't keep myself away, no matter how much i kept telling myself that you were better off in this life. Happier. Safer. But you kept calling... and every time I came down you had closed off again... and every time I thought you'd finally moved on... and what right did I have to stop you from living your life."

"The fuck Cas?!" Dean couldn't stay silent anymore. "I begged for you." He hissed. "I prayed pleaded, bargained and even..." his tongue caught over the word and he moved on ignoring it. "Why the hell would you do that? How could you staying away be any sort of help tome?!" The logical part of him knew that Castiel was an angel... he was not built to understand human emotions... that when someone said 'no get the fuck away' what they really meant was 'please stay i need you'.

"I thought..."

"Well you thought WRONG." Dean growled.

"I can see that now." Castiel nodded sadly. "I am sorry Dean."

The hunter slouched back against the impala again as if all the strength had gone out of him. Then suddenly Cas was right there. Too fucking close... and yet he didn't have the energy to move away. Instead he glanced up, green eyes meeting sapphire in a long silent stare.

"I never meant to hurt you Dean." The angel said, clearly having no idea how inappropriate his proximity was.

"I know Cas but it's going to take a little time for me too..."

"I love you."

The hunter's brain spluttered, froze, and shut down.

And fuck but if Castiel wasn't standing there, tipping his head like he was concerned, endless blue eyes wide and honest as he waited in complete and total silence. Standing there as if the three words he had just uttered weren't the three most important words in the universe.

"Shit Cas... you cant just say crap like that." Dean shifted away uncomfortably and Castiel frowned.

"Is that not the human expression for conveying that you care about what happens to another?" He was serious and Dean was shell shocked.

"No! I mean yes... but no... two guys... do not tell each other that they love one another."

"I have heard you say it to Sam." The angel commented.

"I have no... ok that's different."

"How?"

"Fuck Cas.. .hes my brother what do you mean how?!"

"But you care for him... and he is male. Are your words not contradictory?"

"They... my..." Dean trailed off and threw his hands into the air. He wanted to sink into the ground right then. How could he explain to an emotionally retarded angel... who wasnt so emotionally retarded if their current conversation was anything to go on... that there were different types of love... and that guys just didnt go around saying 'I love you'...

"I care about you Dean. If I did not... I would not have gone to war..."

Well wasn't that just the fucking icing on the cake.

"Come again?"

Cas frowned. "Which part of what I said confuses you?"

"How about the whole goddamned thing?! What do you mean you would not have gone to war?!"

Cas seemed to think it over. "I have no particular attachment to the earth Dean. I do not require the presence of humans to survive or do my duty to Heaven." That much the hunter had gathered long ago. Castiel's terrible people skills were enough to make it clear. There were other angels who had looked at humankind differently. Anna for one... Balthazar for another. But Castiel, as long as Dean had known him, had always been a soldier, a warrior of heaven, even after he'd rebelled.

_"I rebelled for this?!"_

The memory hit him like a wall of bricks. So hard and fast and unexpected that if he hadn't been leaning against the impala already he was sure his knees would have gone out from under him. For this...Cas rebelled for this...

Dean had always thought he'd meant humanity and Dean's place in it. As if he was just a piece of a whole chess board... his presence representing the rest of the human race.

But no.

Cas had meant something different entirely.

"You...I..." His words failed him. "Sonofa...You did this for us?" He gestured as if to include Sam in his statement.

Dean wouldn't have thought it possible for the angel to look any more confused than he already was. "No."

The hunter huffed a sigh of relief that didn't last.

"I did it for you."


	4. I Wanna Live Not Just Survive

**Worth**

* * *

Part 4: I Wanna Live Not Just Survive

* * *

If Dean thought they'd covered the vast expanse of uncomfortable silences a few days before, he was sorely mistaken. Logically he knew it wasn't fair to even _use_ the silent treatment against Cas. After all the angel really didn't know what it was he'd done wrong half the time… or that he'd done anything wrong at all. So the fact that he lasted more than five minutes in confused silence before once again repeating the hunter's name was pretty damn impressive.

"Dean."

"I said shut up Cas."

"I think we should talk about this Dean."

The hunter kept his eyes trained on the road ahead of them as the pair made their way back from the restaurant. He'd planned on driving away alone and of course had remembered only when Castiel appeared in the seat beside him that angels had a tendency of not requiring actual leg work to get anywhere.

"No. We shouldn't." He countered.

"I believe it would be beneficial to our relati…"

"Cas so help me, you say one more word…."

"Sam says it is better to resolve misunderstandings and confusion before they become worse." The hunter's threat had either fallen on deaf ears or the angel had simply decided to ignore him. Based on the way he was quoting Sam, Dean decided it was probably the latter. He was going to have a chat with his little brother about teaching Cas psychology. It was bad enough that the angel already had a window to his thoughts… he didn't need the man analyzing them too. Besides… every time the younger hunter decided it was time to give advice, Dean was always the one on the receiving end of Castiel's test.

"Sam is a moron." Dean growled.

"Sam's intelligence is above average Dean."

The hunter shot the angel a look that, given just a little more practice would have really solidified Dean's entry into the field of pyro-kinesis. Cas seemed to understand suddenly that Dean hadn't actually been referring to Sam's intellect and blinked. He didn't look away though, electing instead to continue staring at the hunter as he drove. Dean let him stare, figuring sooner or later he'd look away and give up. Clearly he'd been separated from the angel too long, having additionally forgotten that they- more specifically Castiel- rarely give up. When a solid five minutes of the world's most uncomfortable silence ended with Cas still staring at Dean, he finally sapped.

"WHAT?!" The word was growled and his shoulders came up as if to shrug off the other man's gaze like an unwanted touch.

"You are upset."

"I'm not upset." He hissed, making Cas' point for him.

"I do not understand Dean. Why does the thought of my actions being done on your behalf anger you?"

"It doesn't." He lied, putting the impala into park when they pulled up outside the grungy little motel they were staying at. Cas only continued to stare at him and Dean finally gave up. "Because!" He said eloquently. "Because you're supposed to fight for the world! Not one person." He huffed.

"Why?"

Dean dropped his head against the smooth leather of the steering wheel. He couldn't believe he was having this conversation. How did one explain to an angel… a fucking _angel_… that saving the world for one person was just not how it worked? Wasn't that supposed to go against everything they were? Weren't they the "greater good" sort? This one person crap was the kind of bullshit authors wrote into fairy tales with girly honorable knights and damsels in distress. The realization that in this little story Dean was apparently playing the damsel galled him to no end. If Sammy ever found out he was never going to hear the end of it.

"Because Cas."

"That is not an answer Dean."

The hunter turned wide irritated green eyes on the angel, sitting up and returning the stare for a long moment. Cas didn't even blink, fuck him. Slowly Dean took a breath, collecting himself even though he was pretty sure it was impossible at this point. Half of him was still freaking out and the other half was trying to figure out just why. What was his real problem here? Knowing that everything they'd done had been for him? Did it really matter? They'd won… so who cared what the reason was. Or, was it knowing that a _war_ had been fought because of him? Knowing that Cas had fallen…. For him?

Bingo.

The thought stuck him so hard he was literally unable to speak, and as a result pressed his lips together tightly as his mind whirled with the painful realization that once again… he was the cause. Again, despite the silence, Cas seemed to pick up on what was going wrong. Dean wouldn't have been surprised if he was reading minds again, but right then he didn't have the energy to argue over it. Their last little verbal- and attempt at physical- sparring in the parking lot had left him deplete of the strength required to pick a fight

"Dean…" He began… the low gravel of his voice the same as ever. Sure of himself… of what he was saying… what he was doing. The hunter had always envied that tone of _purpose _in his voice, that subtle underlying power that remained even when he was talking about something entirely unimportant. "When are you going to learn that you are worth the time and effort others put into keeping you as safe as you try to keep them?"

The hunter froze, eyes blinking as he tried to process what Cas had just said. "Excuse me?"

Castiel sighed and leaned back in his seat. It was a motion so human Dean almost wondered if someone had taken control of the angel, but when endless blue eyes turned back to him he knew without a doubt that this was still Cas.

"Stop telling yourself that every problem the world deals with is your fault."

"I don't." Dean frowned.

"You do." The angel countered, his brows furrowing. "Just because I went to war for you does not mean that I _started _a war _because_ of you."

"Cas we've talked about the mind reading thing." He growled trying to hang on to his irritation and anger under the onslaught of Castiel's apparent and way too meaningful understanding. This had been easier when they'd been pretending not to talk.

"Yes. We have. But I'm an angel Dean. I can't tune you out all the time. Not when I know you're in pain. Not when I know you labor under such thoughts that are not even your burden to carry."

"You have no rig…"

"I have _every_ right Dean." Cas interrupted much to the hunter's surprise. "I am your friend. At least that's what you keep assuring me. I know I have made mistakes… mistakes that are impossible to atone for. But I would like to try even if I manage nothing more than assuring you that your cause is just."

The hunter clung to the phrasing of the words as he tried his damnedest not to get lost in the meaning. "Just?" He grinned, the fake smile pulling at the edges of his lips. "Am I a bible quote now?" He joked.

Castiel was not amused. "This is not funny Dean."

"Sure it is Cas." Dean replied, slumping back in his seat to stare ahead with a defeated sigh. "It has to be funny. Cause if it's not funny it's sad. And you know what man… right now I just can't handle anyone else's sad. And I definitely can't handle my own." Anyone else's little moods would just drive him crazy… but his own sadness… the pity and self-hatred he had a tendency of heaping on himself…. He _really_ couldn't deal with any more of that at the moment.

"Dean…I…." Cas looked like he was about to say something important, but whatever it was slipped away when a resounding knock thudded on the driver's side window. Dean hadn't even been paying enough attention to the world around him to see his brother come up and just about jumped out of his seat. Sam's quizzical stare met his gaze through the window and the elder brother sighed and pushed open the door, shoving the other hunter back.

"What are you guys doing out here?" Sam asked, glancing back and forth between Dean and Cas as the angel too climbed out of the car. Dean returned his look.

"Talking. What's it look like Sammy?" He asked sarcastically.

"Wow. Touchy dude." Sam snorted. "Anyway, I was just headed back in. You were gone for a long time so I took a walk." He gestured towards the room and started back, Dean and Cas both following behind him.

"We went for food." The elder hunter commented in the hopes of warding off further conversation.

Sam wasn't stupid. He might have had a few rough weeks which had been absolute hell the past few days, but that didn't mean he was suddenly going to forget years of knowing his brother. Something had Dean angry. Angry and a little, well… a lot, hurt. And if the way Castiel was sneaking quietly around the room as they stepped inside, finding an empty chair and just sort of standing behind it, was any hint, he'd put money on the angel being involved and equally hurt.

"You guys get into a fight or something?" He asked pulling out a chair and sitting in it. The only other chair open in the room was the one Cas was hovering behind. Normally Dean wouldn't have an issue stealing it out from under him, so when the other hunter wandered over to a bed instead and sat on the edge Sam was sure something had happened.

"No Sammy just frickin' drop it already. We're fine, Jesus."

Sam blinked at him. "Right… because _that_ is the sound of someone who's fine." He knew as soon as he'd said the words he'd pushed just a little too far. Growling, Dean stood and stormed away, the bathroom door slamming behind him. Sam turned his attention on the angel instead. So much the better. If Dean wasn't in the room he'd be more likely to get Cas to speak up.

Castiel seemed to see it coming and pointedly avoided Sam's gaze. "I should…"

"Nope. Nice try Cas. What happened to you two? This morning you were fine." He gestured for the angel to sit hoping the other man would actually take him up on it. He was aware that in the past, the moment Dean stepped from the room Castiel had a tendency to disappear. He always tried not to let it get to him- even though sometimes it did- and had made it a point to try and talk to the angel a little more. Subconsciously he felt that there was something he had to make up for. Initially it had been the fact that he'd been drinking demon blood… not exactly the kind of practice an angel could just accept. Later it had been not being his brother… not sharing that _profound_ bond that Cas had mentioned once. After the whole soul charade though… he felt they were a little more even. The funny thing was… he didn't blame Cas at all for what had happened. The guy was trying. He was attempting to fix it all the only way he knew how. They'd all been there. Sam could hardly judge him for that. And now… he'd gone a step further. Not only had he made it possible for the hunter to function again, he'd physically taken on a part of Sam's hell. So had Dean. It was something the younger man was not likely to forget any time soon.

Castiel sighed, and much to Sam's delight, moved around the chair and sat slowly. He wasn't looking at Sam or even the door Dean had slammed behind him. Instead he was staring out into space. For the second time in one day the angel was attempting to collect his thoughts.

_"Irritating, isn't it? The doubt. The confusion. What are you going to say to him Castiel... he's furious with you. Doesn't want you're love. You saw the way he reacted when you told him. Do you really want to stick around for more of that… is he really worth that pain to you?"_

Anna's voice, more than his own unsure thoughts was insufferable to the angel. He was used to hearing his siblings in his head of course. They were always there, like a radio station tuned low but always playing in the background. It was far less now after everything that had happened since they weren't aware he was alive, more distant and a little fuzzy. But the words Anna whispered to him were completely different. The angel hadn't yet figured out how to get her to go away. Dean always managed to make it stop… but Dean wasn't there right now.

_"Go on Castiel… tell the little hunter you love his brother."_

_"I do love his brother. Just as I love Sam." Castiel defended internally. _

_"Don't lie Castiel. Every angel knows when a brother or sister is lying. You love Dean more than you love Sam."_

_"I…"_

_"Tell him…"_

_"No… Dean would be… angry…."_

_"Tell him… Tell him… tell him… tell him…"_

The words became a deafening litany in his skull and the angel finally shook his head. Blue eyes moved upwards, meeting the younger hunter's gaze with confusion, loss, and not a little pain. Sam was literally taken aback by the look. "Cas… is everything ok?" He was a step to two away from panicking and calling Dean.

"I…." The angel hesitated. "I cannot make her stop."

"Who Cas…?"

"Anna."

"Anna…." It clicked. "You're seeing Anna?"

Cas nodded, still looking confused, and a little sheepish. "She wishes me to tell you…" He trailed off for a moment, eyes turning distant before he blinked and continued. "To tell you that I love Dean."

Sam blinked, shocked, but Cas only continued. "I do not understand the significance of her request. I already told Dean this earlier. Though I believe my words upset him." He seemed to think it over again and decided to ask Sam what he'd asked Dean. "Is that not the human expression of conveying to another that you care for them? I will admit that I am not always aware of the connotation humans attach to phrases which seem to mean one thing, but say another."

Sam cleared his throat. Oh. A small smile began to pull at the edges of his lips as suddenly everything seemed to fall into place. "Well… there are different kinds of love Cas."

"I am aware of that."

"Did you explain to Dean what kind of love you meant?"

The angel stared at him. If he wasn't so good at keeping a straight face Sam would have almost said that he looked uncomfortable. "Does it matter?"

And there it was.

"Well… yes and no." Sam finally admitted. "But you have to remember who it is you're talking too. Dean doesn't take affection well from anyone. Even me." Castiel nodded in understanding and acceptance. He'd seen the brothers hug before after a particularly hard hunt or emotional ordeal only to have the elder teasingly push Sam away with a comment about being gay or getting sappy or being a girl. It had taken the angel a long time to realize that the modern human world placed a different sort of acceptance on affection shared between two people of the same gender. Dean never appeared to care when others admitted to being of a homosexual persuasion but was exceedingly adamant to make sure that no one assumed such a title was attached to him.

In the distance the shower turned on and Sam did his best not to smile widely. He knew it. Dean had been listening to them and was now trying to drown out the conversation. He was never going to let his brother live this down. More importantly than teasing however, Sam realized what a giant step this was for both Dean and Cas. He'd always known they'd had a thing for each other. It was pretty obvious to every single person _except_ the two of them. Cas liked to pretend that being an angel meant he had no emotion and Dean liked to pretend that he'd killed his emotions a long time ago. It had never really mattered before. They'd been too busy trying to stop the apocalypse, trying to save each other, everyone else, the world. Now they were hunting down Leviathans and hoping beyond hope that they could throw them back in Purgatory somehow. But somewhere between Save-the-World! and Save-the-World! they were going to have to find at least a small space to squeeze in their lives, and if these two could finally figure out that their lives would be better off with each other… Sam would consider his duty as a brother well cared for.

Of course, he was going to have to be careful. This wasn't just a fling, just a one night stand he was trying to convince Dean to take. This was a relationship… and something more. Acceptance maybe. For Dean, no matter how hard he tried to pretend otherwise, no decisions were shallow. Everything carried the weight of the world. So sharing his life with someone else, even if for a little while… well… it was going to be a very delicate situation if Sam really decided to undertake this.

"I'll tell you what." Sam started with a growing smile. "You make sure to stick around for a while… and I'll see if we cant get Mr. Hard-head to realize what he's missing out on."

"Sam… I don't think…"

"Don't worry Cas. It'll be perfect."

The angel sighed, quite sure that it was going to be anything but perfect.

* * *

Sam Winchester, was a problem.

Dean had of course decided this years before, given his role as big brother… back when Sam was just a squirt following him around, hazel eyes seeing way more than he should have and quick mind putting two and two together faster than said older brother would have liked. It was one of the reasons Dean always felt like he had to protect Sammy, because without a hand thrown out to stop him in his tracks, the kid would run right into the middle of a fray just to figure out how he could make it better.

The fact that this was an inherent trait in the Winchester family seemed to elude Dean's understanding of himself all together. Either that or he was just really good at denial. The issue wasn't what Sam went out of his way to do so that everyone noticed. Rather, the issue was what Sam did so subtly that no one noticed until it was too late.

So when Dean found himself entirely alone in the room with Castiel a few nights later, Sam having mentioned something about going out to get a drink and maybe-kind-of calling his brother to say he'd met someone and wouldn't be back and to enjoy himself… fucking _enjoy_ himself… Dean knew that his brother was up to no good. Not that Dean wasn't happy that Sam was getting back into the swing of things; or that he was chasing tail and catching, but Sam wasn't that good, no matter how smooth he pretended to be.

Cas had taken to sitting awkwardly at the edge of one bed, hands clasped between his knees as he leaned forward, adamantly ignoring the hunter and directing the majority of his attention on the TV screen. He'd become rather fond of animal planet, the history channel and when Dean pretended like he didn't care that it was on, Dr. Sexy M.D. Dean didn't know if he watched the latter because he'd become aware that the hunter actually watched the show or because it was just something familiar, something he recognized, but either way he was always pleased when Cas neglected to make any comment about the show's presence on their screen. He'd even managed to pick up not saying anything to Sam about it who absolutely adored bringing up the memory of when Gabriel had shunted them into TV land, a memory complete with Doctors, bad acting, and a fanboy Dean.

For his part Dean did his best to put the whole charade out of his mind.

"I'm…" Dean cleared his throat, the first word sounding half broken and wholly awkward in the silence of the room. He tried again. "I'm going to take a walk. Call if you need anything." He offered grabbing his jacket and heading for the door.

Castiel looked up from the television turning blue eyes on the hunter slowly before nodding. He was aware that ever since their conversation a few days before Dean was uncomfortable being left alone with him. But he didn't know how to fix it and wasn't interested in making it worse. Making it worse meant more time away from Dean and the longer he was away from Dean the more frequently Anna's voice became a pervasive sound in his mind. So he stayed quiet and accepted that the hunter was not willing to broach the subject again.

With a sigh the elder Winchester stepped out into the chilly evening air. His breath cast a small cloud into the space before him and he pushed his collar up against the fingers of a cool breeze. It was peaceful as he started to walk, passing his baby with a half-smile and wandering further out into the night. They'd moved since the first place. Somewhere a little nicer where the beds weren't likely to infect them with whatever they'd been sleeping on and decent food was within easy reach. They should have been hunting Leviathans but all three men were aware that it was time for a break… even if that break was going to be short. Sam was back on his feet, Cas was… well, not dead… and Dean was taking the small amount of peace for what it was. Easily breakable and soon to end, but peace nonetheless.

They'd discussed the hunt a few times, agreed that soon they were going to have to go back to it. Go back to figuring out what to do, how to fix it all. How to _save the world_, as always. They even had a plan. But not yet. Not now. Just a few more days.

A few more days of pretending like it all didn't matter. Because when those few days were over… it was a solid bet that at least one of them wouldn't be standing anymore. Then an equally solid bet that the other, whoever the other was, would do everything in their power to change that.

It was the way their lives worked. The endless figure eight of events. An infinite loop that turned back on itself over and over and over again. If it weren't so fucking irritating… Dean might have even found it funny.

He sighed and tried to clear his thoughts. The only problem was- the past few days had proved this to be a rule rather than the exception to it- clearing ones thoughts left you too alone. Too open for that little dark sound in the back of your mind. The little sound surrounded by endless screaming.

He remembered just in time to throw a memory up in front of the sickly laugh that bubbled deep in his subconscious.

Blue eyes.

Dean rolled his own when he realized what his own traterous thoughts were doing and growled, shoving it away for another.

Dark hair. Tipped head. Confused gaze.

He snarled into the silence and tried again.

_Think of anything Winchester. _ He bit out at himself internally. Math. Sammy in a dress. Crowly in a dress. The impala. Hunting. The Apocalypse, horsemen, demons, angels, leviathans… Castiel….

_Im going to make it up to you Dean…_

Always Cas.

He hissed. It always came back to Cas. Why did it always come back to Cas?! He found himself at the edge of a small patch of woods. The trees left it darker but not brooding or ominous. He'd been near ominous too often to fear it now.

Dean continued walking through it, kicking up dirt and twigs as he went. Only when he heard the hiss of amused laughter behind him did he realize the mistake he'd made.

"Awwwww. Lookie what we have here boys. A lost little hunter. Did you loosseeee your wayyyy? Where's your pet angel little hunter?" The voice was shot through with arrogance and amusement and Dean turned to catch the grinning gaze of a man about his height with short brown hair and equally brown eyes that flickered to black the next time he blinked. Behind him two other demons stepped from the cover of the woods both grinning, equally amused.

"Left him home." Dean quipped in reply. He didn't make a move. Didn't turn his hand towards the gun at his waist or reach for the knife inside his coat. Sam had left it with him for the time being saying it would have been too hard to explain going out. Dean thanked whoever was looking down on them tonight. "Thought there was still a hands off sign." He continued. "Last time I met a demon who ignored it you're boss didn't take too kindly to his version of the directions." He tipped his head as if in thought for a moment and retracted his statement. "No wait… Last time it was ignored… I killed the bastard."

The first demon sneered. "Boss? Bet you mean Crowley." He laughed. "Fucker ain't our boss."

"Oh yeah?" Dean stalled pressing his lips together and nodding as if this was interesting news to him. "Good to know Daddy's letting you run around on a longer leash then."

One of the other demons swore and took a step forward only to have his movement cut off by the first when he put a hand out.

"No no. Don't let 'im bait you. Got that knife." He gestured with his chin towards Dean's coat.

The hunter put on an impressed face. "See you boys have done your homework." He nodded. "In that case, you know the chances of you walking away from here are slim to… well… none." He grinned cockily.

The first demon snorted again in wry amusement. "Oh I know all about you're skill with that thing." He started. "I also know you're used to getting your ass kicked. So this shouldn't be too bad." He grinned widely. "But it will hurt."

Before Dean could so much as reach for the weapons they'd been bragging about avoiding he felt himself thrown just far enough and hard enough that when his head slammed into the trunk of a tree, he saw stars. Pain exploded in his skull and he gasped in air as the rest was knocked from his lungs. He tried to struggle away but found himself pinned. So the demon in front of him was higher up at least than the normal piss-ants. Good to know… bad for him without back up.

"_Dean Dean Dean…"_ The demon stepped up to him slowly, a long grin taking up his face but the hunter could only stare. Instead of the rather normal looking man who'd gotten him into this mess he suddenly found himself faced with Alastair. The creature looked pleased that he hadn't forgotten. It was the kind of pleasure one could only see on the face of a man who took a great deal of pleasure in causing pain. The kind of pain that would send someone screaming into their own mind.

For a moment the hunter's heart stilled, frozen by the dead gaze of the demon in front of him, by the memories of forty years under his thumb. Forty years of hell… a hell he'd never been able to explain to anyone else.

"Did you really think you could be rid of me soooo easily?" He crooned, his voice no longer carrying the distant ring of a sound in his mind, but the solid vibration of a real voice.

"You're not real." Dean growled, the words escaping him as if he was trying to convince himself of this fact, struggling against the invisible bonds holding him to the tree. They were really going to have to figure out how to avoid those. He was getting fucking tired of finding himself tied up.

"Oh but I am. We've gone through this before Dean." Alastair frowned as if it was disappointing that his number one student didn't remember this. As if he wasn't paying close enough attention. "You need to listen more carefully. Here… let's repeat the lesson." The demon reached out, one thin, pale finger moving slowly towards the hunter's face. When it touched his skin, Dean screamed. He couldn't help it. The demon's touch was ice. Burning and searing down into his very soul, leaving a long angry slice on his face as is drifted down his cheek. One would have thought that the cool touch of ice would have been a boon in hell.

One would have been wrong.

Dean remembered it all in a flash. The pain. The agony of years spent on the rack. Of more years still spent subjecting others to the same ice cold burn he felt again now. The unending chorus of screams and cries, like a sick melody, all drowning in the air, begging for release and never finding any.

"What am I Dean?" Alastair asked again, leaning close so that foul breath was all the hunter could taste under the pants of his own pain.

"You're dead." Dean snarled out in response, shoving the pain and the freezing cold further back into his mind. If he concentrated he could hear the amused snorts and hoots of the other two demons. He was still in the forest, still in the woods with three good for nothing, low level demons. They were nothing compared to Alastair. This _wasn't_ Alastair. He was dead and gone. Long gone.

Dean tried to cling to that. Told himself that this wasn't real. The pain intensified, swamped his thoughts till he couldn't cling to them anymore.

"What am I Dean?"

"Go to hell."

More pain. Agonizing, icy touches that made his skin curl up and break away. They slid down his face and neck, his arms, torso, legs, feet, hands.

"What am I Dean?"

"You're not real."

"What am I Dean.?"

The question was endless. Asked each time he answered incorrectly. Asked again, scared into his skin. Again with burning precision. Again with a soft patient croon, again, again, againagainagainagainagain.

_Cas_

Then nothing.

There was a split second of silence when the hunter's overwhelmed mind could process nothing more than the lack of pain. Silence and darkness where only the distant slow thud of his heart continued to make its presence known.

It was a sudden void where everything just shut off as if with the flip of a switch. It was almost a worse torture. The pain he could learn to slide away from, could learn to expect. But the silence, the nothingness… it was impossible to predict. In silence and emptiness there was only uncertainty. Only fear and darkness.

Then light.

Light so bright it was hot. It seared the way ice could never sear. Burning and boiling away the darkness in front of him until he had to close eyes he wasn't even aware had stayed open. It scorched the world around him, the fiery intensity almost too much to bare after the freezing cold of Alastair's touch.

But it never burned him.

His body fell then, released suddenly from the bonds that had been holding it up against the tree. His vision cleared enough that he could see the woods again, could look past the place where Alastair had been standing to see bodies beyond, victims of Hell. No…. bodies… three of them. Demons. The demons he'd run into.

His feet hit the ground now loosed from the tree and his knees gave out beneath him, unable to bear his weight. Pain flashed through his limbs hitting him like a brick wall. He expected to feel the sudden crush of the world beneath his hands, the harsh press of the ground as his body crumpled towards it. But it never came. He was caught, strong hands taking him by the shoulders and lowering him slowly, gently, with more patience and care than he'd ever known in just a touch.

"Dean…"

This time when his name was whispered there was no flash of pain as the response to a question he would not dignify with the expected answer, only the firm press of fingers to his forehead and a slow seep of warmth that spread quickly throughout his body. It was made of the same light the same heat that had burned away the image of Alastair. Only it wasn't burning. It was mending.

His eyes blinked open and he reeled, consciousness snapping back into place. His head spun for a moment and he would have stumbled if he'd been standing. As it was, he wavered where he was kneeling on the ground, the same strong hands holding him steady. Blinking he turned his head to look up, eyes meeting the endless blue that always watched him with such intensity, such concern.

"Cas." His voice was rough and a little part of his brain told him that he'd been screaming.

"You were attacked Dean. I will return us to the motel." The low growl of his voice was calm, flat even. But Dean knew that something was wrong. Chalk it up to being friends or knowing someone for years now, but the hunter could tell Cas was upset. Before he had a chance to say anything however, they were moving, the green eyed man reeling again as the angel's flight pulled them so instantly from one place and left them in another. Cas might have healed him, but his stomach hadn't quite settled before the flight and Dean was forced to lean over his knees where he'd been set down on the floor of the room, breathing deeply as nausea overtook him. Fingers curled, nails scraping over the harsh fabric of the rug as he just barely managed not to lose his lunch. His back arched against the dry heave of his stomach and he distantly felt the smooth comforting press of a hand as it rubbed rhythmically over his shoulder blades. As the nausea subsided he breathed deeply, tipping his chin to level a questioning look on the angel.

Cas seemed to understand that the hunter was fine and his hand stopped rubbing, moving instead to Dean's shoulder, but no further, settling almost unconsciously over the scar that was seared into his skin beneath layers of fabric. Dean could feel it like he'd had pressed skin to skin and it sent a shiver up his spine. Nothing like the shiver and shakes of fear or pain. Instead it was electric. A hum that started at the angel's fingers and slid straight into his chest. He was still breathing harshly but his eyes were stuck on Cas. The angel watched him with the same intensity as always, but the edges of impossibly blue eyes were narrowed in concern, and something else. Something the hunter couldn't quite put a name to before it hit him.

Fear.

They were close. Cas was always close. Too close, Dean would have huffed if he hadn't been so focused on breathing. "Hey man, thanks for that… out the…"

The whirl of his mind had finally begun to slow, begun to collect itself before it stopped altogether for the second time in what seemed like barely as many moments. His line of sight was quite suddenly blocked and his over-worked brain required the confirmation of open eyes to process the lips that were now pressed against his own. For a long, thoroughly confused moment, Dean didn't move. He watched the man in front of him with bemused amazement as his brain spluttered back to life, lips finally registering the unsure almost innocent press of the other's on his own. Then, before he could even collect himself to move away, to ask _what the hell!_ his own mouth was moving. His chin tipped instinctively to one side, making it possible to seal his lips more appropriately over the angel's. He shifted, putting pressure into the kiss as heat and the same hum that seemed to resonate from the hand Cas still held against his shoulder lingered on his lips. Without conscious thought his mouth opened, tongue running a slow line along the angel's bottom lip before his teeth scraped the sensitive skin.

The sudden, breathy moan that spilled into the silent room was what snapped his mind clear. Green eyes blinked open he moved away, gaze wide and confused as he tried to process what had just happened. What he'd just done.

Castiel too blinked and looked away. His face was flushed, blue eyes equally wide and shocked as if he'd had no control over his own actions. He stared at Dean before he was suddenly standing and at least three paces away leaving the hunter to climb to his feet as the sound of Cas' moan replayed itself again and again in his head.

Dean regretted the distance instantly. His heart beat heavily in his chest and the catch in his breath this time had nothing to do with pain or fear, but rather the heady ache of need. It confused the hell out of him, yet at the same time made far more sense than he was interested in entertaining. He watched silently as Castiel shifted from one foot to the other slowly, the human gesture not lost on the hunter.

"Dean I…" Cas was looking anywhere but at him, blue eyes sliding along the floor and hitting the man's feet and instantly sliding away as if burned merely by laying his eyes on Dean. His face was as unreadable as always, as if he couldn't even process the emotions whirling through his head. "I apologize for my actions. It was inappropriate and I will not…"

Castiel's words were lost somewhere between the rush of air that marked the hunter's movement, and the press of his mouth against the angel's. Dean wasn't interested any longer in analyzing his actions. All he could focus on in that moment was the sharp, desperate thrill that had run down his spine at the sound of Cas' moan, and the over-whelming need to hear it again, to be the cause, the fucking _reason_ the angel made it.

His hand was clutched around the messily open collar of the dark haired man's stark white shirt, hauling him forward before either of them could think better of the action. The other fluttered aimlessly before landing on the angel's hip, sliding beneath the smooth fabric of his trench coat, fingers brushing along the place where shirt and pants met. For his part Cas made a confused, surprised noise that only egged Dean on further. The normally low gravel of his voice was lost to a half-whimper as the hunter's lips sealed over his once again, this time initiated by the human rather than the angel.

After a split moment's confusion in which the angelic being in front of Dean was clearly trying to decide just what the hell was going on and how he should react, he moved. Never one to disappoint, Castiel seemed to throw himself into the kiss as much as the hunter had already lost himself. His body pressed itself against Dean's, hands sliding around his waist, fingers curling in the fabric of his shirt beneath the heavy leather of the man's coat. His lips moved against Dean's, wanting but not really knowing what it was they were seeking.

So Dean showed him. Again, his tongue swept across the line of his lips, teeth putting pressure on the sensitive skin, causing the angel's mouth to open in a slight hitch of breath, the same impossibly arousing moan following the action. The hunter's whole body hummed with pleasure and he took advantage of Castiel's gasping moan to deepen the kiss, his tongue curling in slowly, languidly, drawing the other's into a heady dance that would inevitably leave them both breathless. Any noises either man was likely to make then were only swallowed by the other as Cas battled against Dean in a seductive clash of wills, both giving as good as they got.

It was not a soft kiss. It wasn't even the best kiss the hunter had ever had. But it was filled with an electricity, a certain heat that he'd never felt before, never even considered as something to look for. Cas, for all his quirks as an angel did not seem wholly innocent to the practice of kissing or even the movement of his body during the action. So it was Dean's turn to groan when the angel shifted, hands gripping tightly around the hunter's hips and dragging them forward so that both men stood flush together, the hardening line of arousal neither had gotten around to considering, coming together in a shocking press of heat and constrained friction. Dean's eyes flew open but he didn't move away. His muddled mind barely registered the fact that his fingers were curled just as tightly at the angel's hips holding him close rather than pushing him away.

Cas seemed to notice the change in concentration and opened his own eyes, moving away slightly as their mouths disconnected with a lewd slide of lips and tongue. The endless blue of his eyes had almost disappeared beneath the deep black of lust blown pupils. If Dean had been able to see himself he'd have noted the same thing in his own gaze. For his part though, the angel looked thoroughly abused. Dark hair tousled and sexed as ever, eyes half lidded as they moved back and forth between Dean's. His mouth hung slightly open as his chest rose and fell in quick pants for air, lips red and kiss swollen, and damn him but there was just the slightest hint of a smirk pulling at the edge. It disappeared when Dean made no comment, dark brows coming together slowly in confusion and worry as if trying to determine whether what had happened was good, or bad.

"Hell Cas…" Dean cleared his throat around the slightly broken sound of his voice. He still hadn't let go of the angel and the clutch of his fingers was noted by the other man. "If I'd known you kissed like that, I'd have done it before…" He smirked then, noting the instant display of relief that flashed through the angel's face, manifesting in the slow fall of shoulders that had tightened at his first words. Cas opened his mouth to reply but was cut off by another voice.

"I didn't need to hear that."

The hunter whirled around, green eyes widening at the sound of his brother's voice, face flushing red when his gaze finally caught on Sam standing in the doorway.

"God damn it Sammy knock next time!"

Sam just looked at his brother blankly, eyebrows rising as his lips pulled in an amused smirk. "It's my room too Dean." He pointed out.

The elder Winchester opened his mouth to comment that Sam had claimed he was going to be gone for the night but snapped it closed realizing just what kind of message that would be saying. Instead he did what he did best. He ignored it. Taking a deep breath he moved to the other side of the room and sat down at the table, using it to hide the very pointed line of his erection, hoping that by some miracle Sam had missed it. He was already confused enough as it is. He didn't need his little brother pointing out what his mind was already reeling to come to terms with.

Cas continued to stand there looking slightly put out but not overly embarrassed by the sudden appearance of Sam. Thankfully for everyone's sake, the length of his coat hid his own body's reaction. Blue eyes turned to Sam who had leveled a pleased _I told you so_ grin in his direction as if the move Dean had made on the angel had been a direct reaction to Sam's promise a few days earlier to make things work out between him and Castiel.

"It's about time Dean." His smile only widened as he looked back at his brother who was about ready to lunge for his throat, over chairs and across the table if need be.

"Shut the fuck up Sam." He snarled, his gun hitting the table with a metallic thud as he pulled it from his coat to inspect.

Sam got the hint. "What the hell happened to you anyway?" He asked, turning the conversation away from at least a lifetime's worth of teasing. The concern in his voice when he noticed the dried blood on Dean's face and hands was evident. Castiel's healing may have closed the wounds but it did not always erase traces of their presence.

"Ran into a few demons. Cas got me out." He replied, not bothering to look up from the weapon he'd begun to take apart and polish, dragging a rag and cleaning set closer to him from somewhere across the table. His finger's moved deftly over the individual parts, rendering the weapon useless in mere seconds. It was like watching an artist at work. Castiel never tired of seeing Dean or even Sam for that matter care for their weapons. In the ever changing, ever hectic procession of their lives it was something that always remained the same. A routine course of events with a definite outcome. If something was broken, it was replaced. Smudged it was polished. Caught, it was smoothed out. In the end the weapon would once again be in perfect working condition. Simple, unlike their lives. And Sam was about to make theirs even less so.

Dean's unasked question of _Why the fuck are you back anyway_ hung in the air around them and while he never vocalized it, the brothers knew each other well enough that it didn't need to be. He took a breath, the remnants of his smirk from teasing Dean disappearing completely as his brows furrowed beneath the weight of whatever he was about to say.

"I know where Dick is."

There was a heavy silence as even the click of metal stopped moving beneath Dean's fingers. Cas knew how important this was and could practically have counted backwards from five leading up to the elder hunter's reaction. As if on cue Dean laid down the pieces of the gun that had been reassembled, looked at the wood grain on the table for a moment, then slowly raised his eyes to his little brother. His gaze was a mixture of cold irritation and heated intent. The former was directed purely at Sam and the latter on the sound of Dick's name.

"And is there some reason…" Dean drawled slowly, his irritation evident. "That you've waited this long… to say anything…"

Sam looked sheepish but didn't back down.

"I was getting too it." He grumbled, realizing he was treading the edge of hot water. "Beth, the girl I was with earlier. She was just hired by a new branch of Sucro Corps. She told me they're releasing their first shipment of creamer tomorrow."

Dean's eyes widened. The creamer was something they'd heard about before. Essentially it was a cure for the "human disease", weeding out genes for low body mass, hemophilia, and intelligence. Eventually, with the help of Sucrocorp, the human race would find themselves fat, dumb, and ready to be served up on a silver platter without a thought to their own protection. Their digging had told them it wouldn't be ready to market for another few weeks. Apparently they'd been wrong.

"He's back in town at the Sucrocorp headquarters. Apparently there's a demonstration tomorrow. A meeting for all the bigwigs, leviathans of course. It wasn't widely publicized but the rumor ran around Beth's office." His brows scrunched in concern. "We have to stop it Dean. We can't let that stuff get out there. People are going to end up hurt or sick. A lot could die."

Dean was nodding. With a quick flourish of fingers he finished putting the weapon back together checking the spring with a definitive snick as he met his brother's gaze. "We're going to. That bastard isn't going to take one more human life." He stood and leaned forward against the table, hands flat on the old wood, head bowed in thought for a long moment before he glanced up again. This time his gaze fell on Cas who merely watched him in silence.

The angel, if ever asked, would find it impossible to claim that Dean with a plan was anything less than a sight to behold. The man always seemed to transform under his task, setting himself to it with a single minded intensity that Castiel had only ever seen in other angels. Of course Sam was always a concern for Dean, but the hunter had an uncanny way of narrowing his line of sight to work through a situation. To set the stage for everything he needed, everything that was going to happen. Needless to say, Cas was always impressed, a rather new and startling feeling for the angel. It was up there with feeling humbled by the very same human. In truth… it was one of the reason's he'd stayed around, one of the reasons he'd never once regretted Falling for the hunter. He believed that Dean, more than anyone else, could accomplish the great things God had set before him.

"We're going to need some help."

* * *

TBC

Part 5: You'd Better Know What You're Fighting For


End file.
